Re-Gifting Is An Art; Not A Crime.

If you have a perfectly good present that is simply not to your taste, then why not re-use it? You could give it to charity or you could give it to someone in your life that you think could use or want it.

There are some things you should never do. Never re-gift to the same circle. For example, your family member gives your husband a present. You can not turn around and give the present to another member of your same family. They will find out and there will most likely be hurt feelings both from the giver and the new recipient.

You never re-gift a present just to get rid of it or just to have a present for some one. You should have a reasonable expectation that the new recipient will like the gift. For example, if someone gives you a book on conservative politics, don't give it to the ultra-liberal person. Even when re-gifting, you should attempt to do so thoughtfully. A Barnes & Nobles gift card is a thoughtful gift for a book lover. A gift card to a liquor store is not a good gift for some one who does not drink.

The gift should also be new and unused. Giving away something you have already used and no longer need is a great thing to do when there is no occasion involved and it is just freely given. It is not a great thing to do as a Christmas or birthday present.

Gifts should be free of monograms or personalized notes. If someone wrote a personal message in the front of the book, you can not re-gift it.

If the re-gifting is an attempt to save money, you could look into making something or offering things instead. Do you knit beautiful blankets? Could you give them a home made IOU to babysit for an evening out? Perhaps you could make them cookies.

It is not re-gifting that is the crime. It is when people do it thoughtlessly that the trouble starts.

Don't Presume Everyone Is On Social Media

I recently saw a story of a woman who did not get an invitation to her brother's wedding. There had been no fight; no reason to think she was deliberately excluded. When she questioned it, she was told that he had posted a message on Facebook that anyone who wanted to attend should let him know. She had not seen the message.

Leaving aside the fact that you should be making a list and sending out invitations to something as important as a wedding, this man was leaving the guest list for his wedding up to both the vagrancies of the internet and chance.

Even those of us who do use Facebook, do not necessarily check it every day or see every post that worms its way through our news feed. It would be easy to miss it.

I know it probably seemed an easy way to do it to this man's mind. He left the planning of the guest list up to others. If they really wanted to go, they would be checking his Facebook feed or making a point to contact him.  This completely ignores the fact that it would be rude for people to contact him asking for an invitation to the wedding. 

You would think he would at least send invitations to immediate family and close friends regardless of whether they saw or responded to his post. He also put himself in a position of including people who probably are not that important to him.  After all, Facebook includes acquaintances as well as close friends and family and you just told everyone on your friend list that they can come.

Facebook and Twitter and the other forms of social media are wonderful tools. They let us catch glimpses into each others lives in ways we never could before. They let us quickly start the passing of important or even semi important news.  But using them as the exclusive way to handle something this important is rather like taking out a billboard on the highway and then being annoyed if not everyone drove that way.

Skip the hurt feelings and the confusion and the potential that important people may miss your important event. Go ahead and use Facebook or Twitter as a starting point but not assume it absolves you of any further work.  Take the time and do it right.

Keep Your Spell Checker To Yourself

People some times misspell words or use the wrong punctuation mark. We do not always use proper grammar. This is especially true of instant message, texting and emails. Maybe we are in a hurry and missed that typo. Maybe we do not know the right way to spell that word.

Now you get that email and you go to respond but you decide to use spell checker first. Spell checker is not concerned about good manners. Spell checker has one job; to destroy that misspelled word. Because it has no boundaries, it may very well tell you there is a misspelled word in that original email.

I have had several people ask what they should do. Do they correct that misspelled word in the original email or tell spell checker to skip it?

The answer is absolutely unequivocally no, you do not correct the spelling in the original message. You may check your own contributions to make sure they are correct but you never correct anyone else (other than your own young children) on anything other than your own name or the name of your immediate family.

To correct the spelling of an adult is to treat them like a child. It is not your place and it will not be appreciated.  This does not mean that you should misspell the word when you respond. It just means you do not draw attention to any errors.

Worry about your own spelling and grammar but do not project it to someone else. We all make mistakes and if we all start pointing them out, all it will do is cause a lot of hard feelings.  At its base, etiquette is all about helping people get along.

A Thank You Video

If you have seen my earlier posts, then you know that I am a big fan of the thank you card. I believe it is just good manners to thank someone for a gift.  The people over at Solar Roadways took this one step further.  This is one of the hundreds of thank you videos they did for people who donated to their recent crowd funding drive to get the money to test and develop solar roadways. 

The video says thank you, gives a cute example of what they plan to do with the money and yes, advances their own marketing.  I am not suggesting you put a plug for your business at the end of every thank you or even that you need to make elaborate videos. Rather I am saying that they took the time to say thank you in a way that is both cute and polite and I applaud that.

If you are interested in finding out more about Solar Roadways, here is a link to their website.

http://www.solarroadways.com/intro.shtml

Movie Theater Etiquette

I think the most important part of movie theater etiquette is the most obvious. Do not talk during the movie.   If you like to talk through movies, then you really should wait and get the movies to watch at home. This is easily done these days with a quick trip to your library, ordering it online or by streaming it. Be careful, though, to make sure that your talking through the move at home does not annoy your family or significant other.

Turn off all cell phones or electronics while in the theater.  If you are especially early, you could keep it on and then turn it off once the preshow starts. Do not talk on your cell phone or search your smart phone during any part of the show. Some people enjoy watching the preshow or the previews. Do not keep them from enjoying it. They paid good money to be there.  You can always step outside the theater door if you want to use your phone.

But if I am just searching things on my smart phone I am not making any noise. No you are not making noise but your screen lights up. That bright light is distracting to the people behind you.   Please be considerate.

If you are tall, please consider sitting further to the back or going to theaters with stadium style seating so that people can see from behind you. On the opposite side, if you are short, please consider sitting closer to the front.

Keep your children from attacking the chairs around them. This includes kicking, hitting or putting their feet on the back of the seat in front of them. It makes the chair of that person bounce which is very distracting while trying to watch a show.

Only use the empty seat next to you as a coat hanger if the theater is mostly empty. If it is popular show, your belongings should go on the back of your own seat or under your seat. The exception being if you are saving a seat for someone.

Avoid coming in after the movie has already started. It distracts people and makes it difficult for you to find a seat without a hassle.  Avoid going to the movies if you have a cough or cold. It is better for your health to stay home and get better and it is better for everyone else if you do not cough, sneeze and blow your nose through the show.

When the show is over, make sure you have all of your belongings and have picked up all of your trash.

What did I miss?  Any movie theater habits that drive you crazy?

Restaurant Etiquette

Going out to eat at a restaurant is an American past time. We do it, on average, about four times a week. Here are a few rules to keep in mind while out to eat.

Treat your server as you would an acquaintance. Be polite. Say please and thank you. Do not snap your fingers to get attention or wave your arm in the air.  Always behave cordially.

Your server may speak to you when you have your mouth full. This is not rudeness on their part. After all, it is their job to get food into as many mouths as possible. They simply do not have time to wait and see if everyone in your party has finished chewing before they speak.  Do feel free to finish chewing before you answer by holding up one finger to demonstrate one minute.  You may also cover your mouth as you speak. Do not make the staff look at your half chewed food.

Always tip if in an establishment or area where doing so is normal. If you can not afford to tip, then you should have ordered less or gone to a less expensive place or even gotten take out. Factoring in the tax and tip is part of deciding what you can afford.

Do not dock your server's tip for things that are beyond their control such as the restaurant being too cold or you not liking your meal.

Do control your children when out in a restaurant. If they are screaming, step outside with them or into the bathroom.  If they are bothering the people behind you, distract them.  If your children make a mess, do your best to clean it. If you are not going to clean up, then you should tip extra for the extra work you are causing your server.

 If going out with a group, it is a good idea to know in advance how you will handle the check. Will you get separate checks? If so, tell the server when you order so they do not have to separate the check after the fact. It is a lot easier to do it as they go then recreate it.  Will you each pay for what you order? Will you split it equally?   Discuss it in advance to avoid hard feelings or disagreements later.

If you decide to take every one's cash and put the dinner on your credit card, then you should figure out the cost of your own share plus tax and tip and add that to what ever amount of cash has been collected. You should not simply add 15% or 20% to the check total. This is especially true if it means you are making money on the deal. Many people do this and end up taking extra tip money meant for the server. Chances are you are stealing tip money from someone who needs it more than you do.

Basically when out and about, behave as you would with an acquaintance or some one you were just getting to know. Be polite and the rest will generally fall into place.  Happy eating!

American Flag Etiquette

The 4th of July is almost here. I thought this would be a good time to go over some etiquette for proper treatment of the American flag.

The flag should never touch the ground. It should be properly folded when stored.

The flag should never be thrown in the trash no matter how worn out it might be. The code states that you should dispose of the flag in an honorable way, preferably by burning.  Our local Boy Scouts will take back old flags for proper disposal. You may want to check with your local Boy Scouts or similar foundation in your area. It is permissible to mend or repair a flag.

The flag should not be left out in bad weather. If you hang out a flag, you should bring it in at night and put it back in the morning but not if it is raining or snowing.  You should only fly all weather flags if you plan to leave it out; never cloth ones.



Flags should be hung at half-mast (or half-staff) only when mourning a death. Otherwise, it should fly high and proud. It should always fly upright unless being used as a distress signal.

During the National Anthem, all persons should face the flag. You should stand at attention with your hand on your heart. If you are not any American, you should still stand at attention out of respect but do not place your hand on your heart.  

Members of the Armed Forces who are in uniform should render the military salute. If you are in civilian clothes or a veteran, you may chose whether to salute or stand with your hand on your heart.
If the flag is in motion such as a parade, you salute as it passes you.

The flag itself should never be used as decoration or advertising. Instead you should use red, white and blue stripes. You should never write on or attached any other symbols, emblems etc to the flag. It should be shown as is. 

Treat the flag with respect always. It is the symbol of our country. God Bless The USA and Happy 4th of July. 

Be Very Very Quiet . . . We Are Hunting Rabbits

I remember watching Elmer Fudd as a child. He would tiptoe around and say, "Be very very quiet. We are hunting rabbits." 

We are all older now and probably neither hunting rabbits nor watching Elmer Fudd. We should, however, be considerate of those around us when it comes to our silence or at least our volume.

I live on a relatively quiet street except I have this one couple down the road that likes to rev their motorcycles.  It goes on for quite a while at a time. I mentally picture them competing amongst themselves to see who can go loudest or longest.  I know motorcycles do not have to be loudly revved for long periods of time. They chose to do it. I imagine it makes them happy.  It does nothing for their neighbors.  You can literally hear it a mile away.

A friend of mine lives in the city. She can reach her neighbor on either side in about 5 strides. She dreads playoff seasons because noises carry.  Her neighbors start yelling even if it is at 11 at night presumably because some one scored or the local team won.  She at least has a house. Can you imagine how loud it must be if you are in an apartment?

Every place I have ever lived has had some kind of noise ordinance. Most of them say keep it down after 11 pm and before 7 am. This does not mean you get to scream at the top of your lungs at 7:30 am.  

Be considerate of your neighbors, your family, roommates etc. If everyone is, every one's lives will be the better for it.

The Top Ten Etiquette Rules You Should Know

1. Be considerate.  This is the underlying reason behind almost all etiquette rules.

2. Be on time. It is never nice to make some one wait. If you can't be on time, make sure to let them know.

3. Chew with your mouth closed. No one wants to see that.

4. If you are not sure if you should say it or do it, then you probably should not. That may very well be your brain telling you to stop and think.

5. Do not talk during the movie.  People want to hear the actors; not you.

6. Always accept a present graciously and never assume you are owed one. This is true even if it is a hideously colored sweater or a cause you do not believe in. Thank them and then quietly get rid of it later.

7. Do not interrupt someone else when they are speaking. You will get your turn. Unless it is an emergency this is true. If it is an emergency feel free to say, "Excuse me but your hair is on fire."

8. Treat everyone with respect and courtesy even if you do not like them. Etiquette works best on the people we dislike. Of course, it works great with people we like or love too.

9. Do not be rude just because some one else was. Good manners mean behaving well even if everyone else is being a brat.

10. Always RSVP.  Not answering does not automatically mean you are attending or vice versa. Let your host or hostess know for certain.

Why Can't I Put My Elbows On The Table?

Have you ever wondered where an etiquette rule came from or why we bother to have it? Etiquette customs evolve from real life issues at the time. 

The habit of clinking glasses came from a time when people used sturdy pewter mugs. When drinking with a stranger or an enemy, you would all crash your mugs hard into each other and deliberately send a spray of drink splashing all over each others mugs.  This was a precaution against being poisoned as the poison could end up being distributed back into the villain's own mug.

The reason you are not supposed to put your elbows on the table is that people often ate in large groups sitting cramped together on long wooden benches at long wooden tables. No one had enough room as it was, so putting your elbows on the table just made things even more cramped. It meant you were inconsiderate and selfish if you did.

I'm sure you know that the knife goes on the right side of the placing setting. Do you know that the blade should be facing the plate? This goes back again to where people were often crammed together with strangers. You would face the knife away from the other person in order to avoid some one getting accidentally cut. It was considered a sign of aggression if you let your blade face them. Remember this was back before the advent of such things as dull butter knives.

Fancy napkin rings where invented not to beautify a table but rather to reduce laundry. Family members would reuse the same cloth napkin at multiple meals and the napkin rings helped identify who had used that napkin prior.

I remember as a child asking my father why he always walked on the outside of the sidewalk nearest the street while keeping my mother on the inside. He told me that it went back to when he was a teenager. The male walked on the outside to protect the female from being splashed from the road. It was also a way to tell the other men that this woman was under your protection or with you. When I asked him what you did when you had two women with you, he winked at me and said, "Well then you put the one you don't want on the outside and see if some other fellow wants to come take her off your hands."

Do You Turn Into Another Person Behind The Wheel?

We live in a mobile society. We have cars, trains, motorcycles, buses. It is rare to go a day without seeing something drive by. For a lot of people, it is rare to go a day without driving something.

Driving is so much a part of our adult lives that it is often taken for granted. Yet how many times have you clenched your teeth or yelled out a swear word or yes, given some one the finger because of how they drove?

Driving etiquette is as important as any other kind of etiquette. 

The obvious: Avoid road rage.  Take several deep breathes; count to 10. Do what you need to do to calm down. What ever it takes just do not engage with other operators. I do not know of a single good thing that has come from confronting another driver.

You could try telling yourself that none of this will matter in five years. Some people find that calming. If not, try to find what does let you get past it and let it go. Maybe it is good music. For me, I shake my head at them and have an imaginary conversation where I say things like, "Pick a lane, sweetie."

Follow the rules of the road. Do not take sudden u-turns in front of people with no warning. Use your turn signal. Drive on your side of the road. Obey stop signs and yields.

The less obvious: Be considerate of those around you.  If you are on the main road with the right away but a lot of people are trying to merge in, follow the one of them, one of us rule. Let one car go ahead of you. This helps move the traffic along and demonstrates courtesy to both the drivers trying to merge and the ones stuck behind you. Yes, you have the right away but you also have the chance to be courteous.

If everyone demonstrated courtesy, we would have less traffic jams and more time out of our vehicles. It's worth a try.

20 Easy Ways To Annoy Other People

1. Interrupt someone when they are speaking.

2. Be late for an engagement without calling.

3. Ignore someone.

4. Talk loudly on your phone in a public place.

5.Cut someone off in traffic.

6. Play your music loudly when your neighbors are trying to sleep.

7. Chew with your mouth open.

8. Correct other people in public.

9. Park across multiple parking spaces.

10. Throw trash in some one's yard or out of your car window.

11. Stand in some one's personal space.

12. Blow cigarette smoke into some one's face.

13. Break your promises.

14. Leave a mess.

15. Take up multiple seats on the bus or train.

16. Talk during the movie.

17.  Let your children run through the store screaming.

18. Be a poor sport if you lose.

19. Use the phrase, "Don't you know who I am?".

20. Cause a scene.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. Here are a few things to keep in mind for the holiday.

If you are close enough, you should make every effort to see your mother today. That edict includes step mothers and foster mothers as well. It is not just biology that makes a parent.

If you are not close enough to see her, make sure you call to say Happy Mother's Day.  For those farther away, send a card and/or a present. Hopefully, you have already sent it at this point. If not, get it out to her tomorrow but make sure you call her today.

Try not to put one mother ahead of another. Your mother should not always get first pick of plans nor should your spouse or partner's. Alternate years if you need to, so that your mother gets first preference even years and theirs, odd years.

If you have small children, do not forget the mother of your children. It is your responsibility to make sure she gets a proper Mother's Day until the children are old enough to do it themselves.

Try not to always put your mother ahead of the mother of your children as well. Try the alternating years with alternating days. Your wife gets Mother's Day one year while your mother gets taken out on Saturday instead and the next year you alternate. This may not be necessary but make sure you know how the mother of your children feels about always tagging along on your mother's day before you decide.

Really the proper etiquette for today is gratitude. Find the good in your relationship--even if you have a strained one--and try to make sure you recognize your mother on Mother's Day. If nothing else, they make greeting cards for all relationships. You may have spend a little time finding the right one but you will find it. Hopefully you have a wonderful relationship with your mother and this is all just frosting but if not, at least be cordial. As always, etiquette asks for civility if you can not be friendly.

Book Borrowing Etiquette

I love to read. I regularly borrow books from the library and occasionally from friends. I sometimes lend out books as well.   Unfortunately loaning out books can be a dangerous thing to do. Dangerous to the book and to the friendship.  If someone borrows your book and returns it in poor condition or does not return it at all, this can damage the friendship.

So if you are a book borrower, whether it be from the library, from a friend or from a coworker, here are some things to keep in mind.

Treat the book better than if it was yours.  I have on a couple of occasions hated a book so much that I threw it across the room. This was only when the book was my own property and it was not in an area to actually hit anything. I would never throw a library book or a borrowed one.

You should never write in a book that you have not yourself purchased or been given as a gift. This includes underlining things or taking notes in the margins. Do not dog ear the pages. I often get library books home and find the tips of pages tucked under. This is damaging to the book and distracting to the next reader.  Try taking notes or using those little sticky note tabs or even just sticking a piece of paper in to mark the page.

Do not eat or drink around a book that is not yours. It is easy to drip even if you are careful. How many times have you looked down and realized you have dripped food on your shirt or pants? Drips happen.  Keep them away from other people's books.

Do not read a borrowed book in the tub. I am a big fan of taking a paperback into the tub and soaking while I read. I would never do this with someone else's book.  Water splashes and on rare occasions, books have been known to fall into people's tubs.

Do not re-lend the book. A loan to you is not a blank check to do as you please. By all means, recommend the book to someone but do not offer to loan that which is not yours.

Be careful of how you transport or carry a borrowed book. It is easy to cram it into a purse that already holds too much and not think about potential damage.

Most importantly, return the book in a timely fashion. A loan is not an indefinite thing. You should read the book promptly and return it promptly. This is the number one complaint of the book lenders that I know. I personally loaned a book to someone last summer and have yet to see it this spring.  Do not be that person.

And the final etiquette rule, if you do damage a book you have borrowed, you need to purchase a replacement. You should do this immediately and without having to be asked. When you borrowed it, you accepted the responsibility for that book. If you are not willing to replace it, then think twice about borrowing it. Etiquette is not a forgiving thing and your friend may not be either if you ruin their book and expect them to pay for it.

Keeping Your Word

One of the standards of the social contract is giving your word. If you say you will do something or be some where, the only polite response is to keep your word.

If something unexpected happens, you call and let them know that you are delayed or unavoidably detained.

Otherwise, if you said you will be there for dinner at 7, then you should be there for dinner at 7.

If you said you would bake those cookies or get someone at the airport, then that is what you should do.

Keep your word. Never make a promise you do not intend to keep.  

If you must break your word, you should offer apologies and if possible, an alternative.

You may think that being polite means you always have to agree to things even if you have no intention of following through. That politeness leads to broken promises. That is not accurate. This is where vagueness comes in.  The appropriate polite response is to give a vague answer if you can not or will not commit to specifics.

"We should get together sometime" is not the same as "Let's do dinner on Tuesday."  One is a polite response that leaves you open to check your schedule or keep your distance. The other is a specific commitment.

Make sure you are not creating hard feelings by making promises you have no intention of following through on. Be polite and be a person of your word. It is possible to be both.

The Etiquette of Colds

It's tough being down with a cold or flu. It is hard to feel like being considerate of others when you are feeling under the weather. Unfortunately, being sick does comes with extra things to worry about in terms of how you interact with other people.

If you have a cold, make sure you wash your hands regularly--with soap--for at least 20 seconds. That is about the time it takes to sing a verse of a song.  This is a good habit to get into anyways but it is especially true if you are trying to keep from passing germs around.

Avoid touching things in public areas where you may deposit your germs--such as door handles--as much as possible. This is especially true of food items. Do not go squeezing the peaches and leaving them for the next person to pick up.

If you have to sneeze or cough, use a tissue or handkerchief. If you do not have one handy or do not have enough notice, use the inside of your elbow to keep germs from spraying out into the air for others to breath.

Do not throw used tissues around. Especially do not leave them for other people to have to throw them away for you.  If you do not have an immediately available trash receptacle, stick it in your purse or pocket until you do.

When you do sneeze, make sure you say, "Excuse me". 

If possible, when you are sick, stay home to keep from spreading germs as much as possible. This also has the side benefit that people who rest up tend to get well quicker. Do not go anywhere that requires quiet such as a movie theater, if you know you are going to be having coughing fits.

If someone else is sick, say "Bless you" when they sneeze. You do not have to do this for every sneeze but rather for every set. So if they sneeze once and you say, "Bless you" and then sneeze again right away, you do not have to repeat yourself. If they sneeze again ten minutes later, say "Bless you" again.

I know you feel miserable but try your best to help stop spreading those nasty little germs around and to make sure you do not make everyone else miserable while you are.

Unsolicited Advice

Unsolicited advice can be one of the hardest things with which to deal. Sometimes it comes from a place where they are honestly trying to help. Sometimes it is just people telling you how much better they would have handled it.  Either way, you want to respond politely.   "Thank you for the advice" is one generic response you could use. It acknowledges their contribution without agreeing to anything.

"I appreciate it but I really feel it is important that I figure this out on my own." is another possible answer. It could be delivered with a small smile or a serious look.

If the unsolicited advice is the result of you looking for sympathetic ear, feel free to tell them something like, "I know you are trying to help but what I really need right now is just someone to listen."

The key is to be polite. Do not let their contribution start an argument even if they are being rude but especially if they mean well.

Where the advice is coming from is important to how you respond. If a stranger suddenly offers unwanted advice such as how to raise your child, feel free to just say, "Okay" and completely ignore them.  You do not have to engage with them. You do not have to listen to them and you certainly do not have to let them make you feel bad about your choices, your parenting or your life.

If it is someone close to you, such as family or some one you have to work with a lot, you may need to take a stand and let them know that you appreciate the advice (even if you don't) but you have the situation under control. In these cases, the ability to mentally tune them out is a valuable gift.

Try not to respond with hostility to unsolicited advice with such comments as "Who asked you?" or "What business is it of yours?"  I know it will probably feel good at the time but this blog is about being polite even in the face of impolite people. Do not let them drag you down.

You can always listen to the advice and then ignore them and do what you want anyways.

Don't Overstep The Boundaries Of An Introduction

Human beings like to connect. We want to feel close to other people. We want to be seen. Sometimes in our quest to connect with someone new, we overstep.

An introduction is not the time to share your entire life story. I'm not saying that you can not share details of your personal life or your personal history. I am saying do not overstep the bounds of etiquette by thrusting your life story on someone prematurely. Start with small talk and let the conversation develop.

I will give you an example that happened to me years ago. I do not remember this conversation word for word but this is the general content of it.

I was introduced to a woman at a party. I do not remember her name. I do remember how she answered my, "How do you do?" She replied, "Not bad now that my ex-husband is not trying to strangle me on an almost daily basis."  While I certainly felt bad for her that she came from an abusive relationship, mostly I was just horrified.

I did not know how to respond. What could I possibly say after that? The entire room lapsed into an awkward horrible silence for several minutes and then we mostly just all drifted into other rooms. No one knew what they should say or how to respond in any way that would be helpful or that did not sound callous and so we said nothing.

While this young woman had every right to be upset and in a quieter venue would, I am sure, have gotten the sympathy she wanted, in this setting all she did was make a lot of people uncomfortable and ruin the host's party. 

I hope that she had someone with which to share her experience. I hope she sought professional help or family or some close friends. I am not telling this story because I harbor any ill will towards her. However, such a statement at a party and at a first introduction, is one of the worst etiquette breaches. It made people very uncomfortable, helped her not at all and ruined the efforts of the hosts to make an enjoyable evening.

When introduced to someone new, you should always start by making small talk. I know some people consider it a waste of time but it is really a chance. It is a chance to get used to each other. A chance to spend some quiet time talking or sometimes just marking time.  It is also a chance to decide if you wish to continue into a deeper conversation or perhaps even a friendship.

We all have our problems. We all need help sometimes. Do not confuse a casual introduction with a chance to have everyone focused on you and never put anyone in such an uncomfortable position.

Respect Other People's Property

My sister is having a problem with a neighbor. The neighbor is having work done on their own property and instead of properly disposing of the trash, the neighbor is throwing it into the woods behind their house. Leaving aside that it is just a terrible thing to do to the environment, the woods behind their house also happen to be my sister's property.

I don't think anyone particularly thinks this is a nice or neighborly or polite thing to do. However, this neighbor may not be thinking about it at all.  She may very well be thinking, "Who cares if I throw some things into the woods? It's not like I am throwing it in their driveway. Besides, otherwise I would have to take it to the dump myself and that is such a pain."

It's true; it is a pain.  So is having to clean up after someone else or go next door and try to have a reasonable conversation about someone very unreasonably using your land as their own personal dump.

I find myself at least once a week out at the end of my driveway picking up cigarette butts. Neither I, nor my husband, nor any of our regular visitors, smoke. I have never seem the Marlboro light thrown there but I am fairly certain it belongs to the gentleman who regularly walks by my house walking his dog.  I imagine he does not feel like carrying a smelly cigarette home again so he tosses it where ever he is when he finishes it.  He does not feel like carrying it so instead I have to keep cleaning off the end of my driveway? If I ever see him do it, I will politely ask him to stop and hope he is either reasonable, or ashamed enough, to stop. 

If you have an inconsiderate neighbor, the first step is to politely, nicely ask them to stop. Do not act accusatory. Do not tell them how rude you think they are. Try to be polite. If things do escalate, at least you know that you tried to be polite and reasonable.  Always start as you would want to be treated; with a nicely worded request and a please. Even if you don't think they deserve it.

It's Not Polite To Correct People

We have all been in that situation where someone does something that is just plain rude. They don't say thank you or they chew with their mouths open. Maybe you sent them a present or made a donation to their cause and never got a thank you. It's aggravating.

Sadly, it is just as rude to call them on it.

You can ask someone nicely if they received that present or donation. You can not walk up to them and demand a thank you. You should never say "You're welcome" with sarcasm. You should never say "Excuse you" when someone cuts you off. 

It's tempting.  I succumbed to the temptation last week myself.  I was in a grocery store and an employee cut across from the register directly across my path as I was walking straight. She then stopped right in front of me and turned and said something to another employee. I had to stop short while holding bags of groceries. She just looked at me and continued on.  I admit it. I muttered "excuse you" after her.

That was rude of me. 

Yes she was being rude as well as inconsiderate and making her employers look bad to boot, but I still was rude as well.

Do not stoop. Do not become the rudeness.  It only spreads. I sincerely doubt I did anything to correct her behavior and only behaved badly myself.

Etiquette means behaving the correct way even if every one around you is being rude. Myself included.

Declining Is Not The Same As Being Rude

Some people think that saying no is rude. They think they have to accept every invitation; help with every event. That is just not true. Etiquette does not require you to give up all of your time and work yourself until you are sick just because someone asks you. It only says you need to be polite in your refusals.

If someone invites you to a party and you already have plans, you do not need to try to fit them both in. This usually just leads to a lot of running around and cutting visits short. It is perfectly fine to say, "We won't be able to make it. We already made plans."

If someone asks you to volunteer or make a donation, you can say, "I won't be able to help you with that but good luck." If you are the person doing the asking, you should accept it gracefully. No harassing people when you get an answer you do not like.

A few years ago there was a man in my town center who was trying to sign people up to be bone marrow donors. He was literally yelling at a perfectly polite declination.  Do you think the other people in the area were eager to sign up after he berated that person? I think they probably just tried to avoid him completely.  How did that help his cause?

Everyone has their own personal causes that speak to them. Maybe they already donate elsewhere or volunteer there. Do you think this man planned to help out with everyone else causes?  Even if the declination just came from selfishness, the correct response was politeness. Definitely a case where his rudeness did nothing to help his cause and may very well have harmed it.  He may have cost himself other donors because he was too busy yelling at that person. Plus it was just plain impolite.

Keep in mind as well that an invitation is offered on the hosts terms. That means if you are invited to dinner and you have plans elsewhere that mean you could make it but not until several hours later, you should decline. You should not send back that you will be there at 8. It could be a sit-down dinner and such a response puts your host in the awkward position of now feeling as though they have to serve dinner twice. Say simply that you will not be able to attend because the event starts at 6 and you won't be home until 8.  If the hosts wants, they can then extend an invitation to come at 8 or invite you on another day.

Basically, do not think saying no means you are being rude and in your quest not to be rude to the latest offer, do not be rude to the people with whom you already have plans. If you are moving people around or constantly cutting things short so you a fit everyone in, you are causing yourself unnecessary stress and probably causing hard feelings. Be polite and treat everyone as you would want to be treated regardless of which side of the invitation or request you are on.

Have You Changed Your Clocks?

Hello Daylight Savings Time. Back so soon?   

Time to spring forward that hour. Make sure you set all of your clocks forward.  Chances are your computer and your TV have already reset themselves. Do not forget to advance your mp3 player or your car radio;  your microwave, your stove, your land line, your wristwatch.

Leaving someone waiting because you did not remember to reset your clock is the height of poor etiquette.  Make sure you take care of all of your devices to avoid confusion for you and others.  You also don't want to be late for work. Well, maybe you do but why make it accidental, right?

So take a few minutes and just change everything now. If you are uncertain of the exact time, visit time.gov and it will show you the official US time for your time zone. If you need help updating your devices, feel free to ask someone to help you or use a search engine to find instructions for advancing the hour. There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need as long as you ask politely.

Darn! What Was Their Name Again?

Don't you just hate that feeling of running into someone and knowing absolutely that you should know their name but you just can't quite remember it?  I know I do. So what is the proper etiquette for blundering around someone's name?

There is nothing wrong with flat out saying, "I'm sorry. I have forgotten your name." It should, of course, be accompanied by a suitably apologetic look. If it is someone you only met once or twice, this will work fine.  If it is someone you have met several times,  you may want to go a step further and give them what details you do remember so as to minimize the feeling that they are completely forgettable. For instance, "I know we met at my aunt's bbq last summer."   Also feel free to stress that it is your fault by saying something like, "I have a terrible memory for names."

You can always attempt the subtle maneuver by introducing someone else. For instance, "Have you meet my husband, John?".  Then wait for them to respond such as, "Hi John. I'm Sally."   This could backfire as it is a commonly known trick. The other person may also wait for you to properly finish the introduction by saying, "John, this is Sally."   

Some people will be offended; some people will shrug it off. If you find you have offended someone, apologize sincerely. Make a note of their name and try to move the conversation along.

You may want to try to make an extra effort to remember the name. You can try memory tricks such as rhyming the name with something about them such as Sally from the Valley.  You can try repeating the name several times when you are first introduced. "Hello Sally. It is nice to meet you Sally." could start the conversation and "It was nice speaking with you Sally" could end it.  Your brain finds it easier to remember something 3 times. 

As always, if you make a mistake, feel free to say sorry and move on.

Dealing With Customer Service Representatives

It is becoming increasingly more common these days when dealing with a company such as your cable, your insurance or a purchase, that you may be calling a large service center or emailing the company. Here are some guidelines.

First, always put identifying information on the subject line of any emails. These could be your name or your account number. This lets them identify your account and if you continue to email back and forth, to differentiate you from every other email they may get that day. Putting Highland Ave on the subject line may let you know it is your Highland Ave house but if the email right after you says Highland St as the subject line, this could lead to you getting wrong information. Try instead putting something like Jane Doe, Highland Ave, #1315656.

Do not put sensitive information such as your social security number or passwords. This is intended to identify you; not put you at risk.

Second, when emailing to a company, it is a good idea to be polite and precise in your initial emails. Requests that come filled with profanity or threats are rarely going to get you the result you want. Always start by being polite and saying what it is you want from them. This is especially true if you are asking them to make an exception to their company policy.

The same rules of politeness apply when calling a company. Start off by identifying yourself such as providing the name on the account or the number. Let them know what the situation is and what they should do to resolve it to your satisfaction. For example, an item arrived damaged so you would like a replacement one. Your bill never came so you would like them to waive the late fee.

If the person you are speaking with can not help you, then ask to speak with a supervisor or manager. This is especially true if the representative is saying something like "I can not" or "I am unable". This may be them trying to tell you to ask for a supervisor. A lot of companies will not let you be transferred until you ask to be transferred. By berating the first person, you are wasting your time and ruining their day. Neither of which will help you.

Above all, try to remain calm. The person with whom you are speaking is rarely the person who caused your problem and may not even be the person who can fix it. Try not to yell or threaten or swear at some one just because they are on the other end of the phone. This is especially true if the mistake was yours and you are asking them to do something for you because of it such as waiving a late fee when you forgot to send your payment.

As always when ever you deal with some one in a service position, treat them with respect and civility. Be polite, have your information handy and be clear about what it is you want and people will be more likely to go that extra mile to help you out.

Winter Etiquette

It is early February and we up here in the Northeast are mostly pretty sick of snow.  It's something that is not getting any better for at least 4 to 6 weeks but we can make an effort to be considerate of each other as we all deal with Mother Nature.

Clean the snow off the roof of your car. If you do not clean it off because you can not reach, keep in mind that they do sell snow brushes with extra long handles and extenders that can be added on to existing snow brushes. If you leave snow on the roof of your car, it can lead to several issues.
1) You could stop short and have the snow fall and block your windshield.
2) The snow could start to melt and slide down and block your rear window.
3) If it is windy, the snow could fly off and land on the windshield of the person behind you potentially causing them to have an accident or at the very least, get a bad scare.  In many places, you are legally liable if your failure to clean your car leads to an accident for someone else.

Make sure you can see out of your windows before pulling out. When you try to see out of the tiny clear circle you made, you endanger everyone. There is a reason your windshield is so big. Its' so you can see everyone around you.

Never push the snow from your driveway out into the street. The logic of it sounds solid. The plows are going to be along and push that snow out of there anyways, right?  Except how many times have you lamented the lack of a plow down your street? Or been driving and thought the plows did not do a very good job and should be back?  Plows don't come by nearly often enough. In the meantime, you have just added to the problem for everyone that drives by. Again, this action is also illegal in many places.

You may not be able to see the lines of the parking space.  Park as best you can. This time of year a lot of spaces tend to be lost to piles of snow. Do your best to be as straight and accurate as you can so your car is not blocking some of those limited spaces.

Try to keep your cars in your driveway when it is going to snow. Avoid parking on the street if at all possible so the snow plows can get as close as possible to the side of the road. If your car is parked there, they will have to do a wide circle around to avoid it and leave a large unplowed patch after you leave.

If you have an elderly neighbor, consider helping them clear off their steps or a path to get out. People have heart attacks every year from shoveling snow. Plus it's just neighborly.

Wipe your feet or stomp your boots before entering a building. Everyone is tired of mopping up puddles and salt by now.

Do your best to be considerate of others and maybe we can make this winter go by a little easier since we can't make it go faster. Here's hoping the rest of the winter will be more snow angels-and-hot chocolate than shoveling -and-slipping.

Honoring Your Host's Wishes

Today is Super Bowl Sunday for us Americans. It is often a day where people get together to watch two footballs teams fight it out while surrounding ourselves with a near ridiculous amount of food and beer.

If you are invited to a Super Bowl party, you may be wondering what you should or should not bring to the party.   The answer generally is to contact your host and ask them. A call or an email to say "Is there anything I can bring?" is a simple straightforward way to do it.  If they say yes, they may very well have an item in mind such as an appetizer or wine.  If not, suggest what you would like to bring.  Are you someone who likes making little appetizers or someone who would rather grab a bag of chips?

If they say no they do not need you to bring anything, then you should honor that. You may be trying to help or to reduce their work load but they may be offended. It was not that long ago that the thought of asking or offering to bring something outside of a pot luck or family tragedy was not even considered.  Some people still consider it a slight on the host to suggest that they are not capable of providing a complete meal.

You should also never bring something without consulting your host. You may mean well by bringing those chocolate chip cookies but what if they have already made chocolate chip cookies?  Or you show up with a dip that needs heating but they are actively cooking and you throw off their rhythm or schedule?

For many people, the reason they want to bring something is a feeling of obligation. Your host is going to all of this trouble so you feel you should reciprocate in some way. The best way to do this is to reciprocate with an invitation later. Have them over for dinner or to watch a movie and eat snacks.  You do not have to have the same level of food or occasion that they do; just having them over is sufficient. So make that call or send that email and see what you can do to help.  Accept their answer either way and when the time is right, feel free to have them over or take them out. One good time out deserves another. 

Don't Blame This One For The Last One

Many years ago when I started my first office job, I had a coworker that took an instant dislike to me.  There was no conflict; no misunderstanding.  From the second she laid eyes on me, she disliked me. It was my first non-retail job and I was in a situation where I was spending 8 1/2 hours a day, five days a week with a woman who had trouble being civil to me.

It is very hard to avoid someone when you work all day in a small defined area. Our jobs, while different, also overlapped and I would have to bring her things several times a day; each time knowing she was going to snap at me or ignore me or just generally behave rudely.

After about 7 or 8 months of this, on a day when she was being particularly rude to me, I snapped.  I said to her in a very loud voice while throwing my hands up in the air, "What is your problem with me? Did your husband leave you for a younger woman or something?"  She turned bright red and took off for the break room.

The next day I was called into the manager's office and told I should apologize for airing this woman's personal business in the office.  It turns out that yes, her husband had left her for a younger woman and that woman supposedly looked a lot like me. I had not even know she was ever married.

I was asked to apologize and while I was in the wrong for my outburst, I refused on the grounds that she owed me a much bigger apology.  (I'm sure many will say I should have just apologized to be polite but I believe there is a difference between being polite and being a doormat.) We ended up shaking hands and forming a truce. We were never friends but we were civil to each other from then on.

There are two things I take away from this experience. One, you have no business blaming someone for the actions of someone else. This is true here where I was being mistreated for reminding her of someone else. It is also true in personal relationships.  You don't mistreat your current boyfriend because the last one mistreated you. You don't take away one child's driving privileges because the other one had a car wreck. Think twice about what you say or do before punishing someone for something that had nothing to do with them.

Two, I should have addressed the issue with her before it reached that point. Yes, she was the one in the wrong but perhaps if I had gone to her early on and asked her calmly what was going on, we could have avoided a lot of conflict. I could have sat her down and asked calmly if there was an issue. Perhaps she could have become aware of her poor behavior before she got embarrassed in front of the office. We will never know for sure but maybe I could have avoided months of mistreated to me and some embarrassment to her if I had tried.

Subcontracting Your Thank Yous

I was looking at a site that specializes in matching people up with the idea of hiring someone to do small jobs for you.  This is not your hire someone to mow your lawn kind of small jobs. No, this site specializes in the more unusual. You can get people to write a love poem or research honeymoon destinations.  A variety of things from random people such as someone to send you a birthday card or translate a sentence into another language.

I was horrified (but not surprised really) to see that one of the jobs offered was to write your wedding thank you cards for you.  You give this person $5 per 10 cards and a list of wedding presents and addresses, and they send out handwritten cards.

Please do not do this.

First, it is incredibly bad manners to subcontract out your gratitude. People went to the time and trouble to purchase and send or deliver you a present. It is not too much to ask for you to take 3 to 4 minutes and write them a thank you note. (You can see my earlier post on how to craft a thank you card if you are nervous about writing one. http://etiquetteasilearnedit.blogspot.com/2013/12/time-for-thank-you-cards.html)

Second, you are giving someone you have never met a list of all the shiny new things that live in your house. Maybe they are perfectly trustworthy. Maybe they will have their friend in your driveway with a moving van while you are on your honeymoon.

Third, you just gave this same stranger the names and addresses of your friends and relatives. Maybe they will decide that since Aunt Mabel gave you that $500 vacuum, she obviously has some extra money.  They can be at her house right after they finish at yours.  They could also just sell your family's information.

Save yourself the potential headaches--and the $5--and take the time to properly thank your friends and family for the thoughtfulness.  It won't be as bad as you think.

Waiting

I do not like to wait. It is probably a personal flaw but it is the truth. I hate sitting around waiting for an answer.   I do not mind if I have an idea why or when such as "We will call you back by Wednesday." or "I will get back to you by 2."   What I hate is the generic, "I'll get back to you."   Then you wait around for the phone to ring; afraid to do things that might take you from the phone.

Right now we are waiting on the plumber. We had terrible sub zero freezing for two nights in a row.  The pipe in my shower froze and sadly, burst.  So now I am sitting around for 2 days with the water turn off so that it does not flood down through my kitchen ceiling.  We are on the waiting list for the plumber.   This is not their fault and I am sure they are working fairly non stop trying to get to people just like me.

I just wish they would call and update us.  Are we near the top of the queue?  Are there still 10 people ahead of us?   For a business this is a tough decision.  If they call and tell me that 10 people are ahead of me, I might call another plumber.  If they don't keep me updated, I could be next in line but not know it. I might just start calling plumbers to see if I can find one to come out quicker.

So they are in a situation where good customer service means calling and keeping me updated--I'd say about once a day--and good business sense means not giving me a chance to get upset about my place in line and leaving.  Plus they are probably very busy and don't necessarily want to take the time to call everyone with updates. 

I guess I am saying I understand why they have not called and am stilling shaking my head that they haven't.  But then, maybe not having a shower for two days has just made me grumpy.

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