Time For Thank You Cards

Christmas time has come and gone again. For many of us, that means presents. Presents often mean a need for thank you cards.

If you did not open the present in front of the giver, you need to send them a thank you card. Even if you did open it in front of them--and said thank  you--you may want to send a thank you card or email anyways. Thank you cards are seldom a bad choice so when in doubt, go ahead and send one.

Some simple rules for thank you cards:

Whenever you open a present outside the presence of the giver, send a thank you card.

Send the thank you card within two weeks for most occasions. If it is for a wedding or baby shower, you can stretch that out to a month or two as people understand that you probably have a lot of them to do. However, anything else, do it as quickly as possible.  For one thing, this eliminates the wait for the giver. For another, it makes it much less likely that you will forget to do it.

Always put something good about the gift or giver at the beginning of the thank you card.  For example, "It was wonderful of you to take the time to send a present." or "I love the colors of the blanket you sent."

Always finish with the words, "Thank you"

If the gift was given to a small child, feel free to include them in the process. They can draw a picture or write a little message. Chances are whoever cared enough to send them a present would love to get a personal message from them.  It also helps to teach your children so that some day, they too will know to send a thank you card.

Being Gracious And Grateful For Your Christmas Gifts

Christmas is only a few days away. If you are like most Americans, you are about to be given presents. Possibly a lot of presents.   Chances are that not every one of these presents is going to be exactly to your liking. Maybe it is the wrong color or a style you would never wear. Perhaps you already got that same book or have seen that movie.   This is exactly Not the time to say so.

Getting presents is a privilege. It says that people care about you; that they want to get you something.  Someone took the time and trouble to go shopping or looking online for something for you. Even if they miss the mark, always accept graciously and with a thank you.  If you do not open it in front of the giver, send a Thank you card. (If you are the giver, you may want to consider including a gift receipt so the person has the option of returning it.)

Always thank someone for the thought. Never tell them the gift is wrong or not your style. Never complain to them about the gift. Never hand it back and ask them to return it. It comes down to treating people with respect. They tried and that alone is worth a thank you and a smile; maybe even a hug. Throwing a gift back in someone's face is bad manners and worse, it is hurtful.

Remember that this is the season of giving. If someone does give you a gift, try to remember the reason for the season and smile.  

Merry Christmas!

Are You Tardy Or Just Inconsiderate?

Every one runs late sometimes. There is a backup on the highway or you couldn't find your keys.  It is not a big deal. Call and let some one know you are going to be late. Apologize and move on.

Sometimes being the key word. Everyone is late sometimes.

If you are always late, then you aren't tardy. You are inconsiderate.   Harsh sounding I know but hear me out.  I am not talking about ten minutes. I am talking about regularly being substantially late. 

If you are late every where you go, it says something to people.  It says you think your time is more important than theirs.  It says that you did not want to be there.   It says I was sitting on my couch and could not bother to get up and get ready because I just don't care enough.  It says the fact that I am wasting your time never even occurred to me. Your time is just not as important as mine; not as important as whatever I was doing instead of getting ready.

People do not like to sit around and wait for someone else to show up. Personally I hate being late. I always envision people sitting around checking their watches wondering if they got the time wrong. Worrying if I was in an accident. I feel stupid standing or sitting around (especially in public) and waiting for someone to show. I never want to put some one else through that.  Even if you are home, you can't start any projects or do anything that would mess up the house because you are waiting on people.

I think we all know someone who is habitually late everywhere they go. I don't think any of us think, They must have a busy life.  I think we mostly just think Where are they? and When are they going to get here?

So in case you were wondering, yes, people notice when you are habitually tardy and no, they do not appreciate it. It makes people think less of you and it makes people feel as though they are less to you.  Don't be that person.  If you make plans, then honor them. Honor the people in your life and be respectful of their time and their feelings.  Go be where you are supposed to be.

Being Polite Is Not Giving In

There is an old question. Would you rather be right or be happy?  For some people, there is no difference. To them, accuracy or in some cases superiority, is more important. In many cases, proper etiquette means rising above these things.

This does not mean being a pushover.  Rules of etiquette often give you a chillingly polite way to respond. (If you do not believe me, check out Miss Manners columns sometime.) What they do not do, is let you be rude back. For instance, if someone is rude to you on the phone, you do not yell back at them. Etiquette means being polite even when others are not.

Good manners mean saying please even to family or friends that you have known for years. It does not mean if another adult fails to say please, that you get to correct them in public. It is something that should either be brought up in private or ignored. This is not being a pushover. Ultimately, the role of etiquette is to make life smoother all around. It exists to keep conflicts from exploding into full out wars.

If someone tries to start a disagreement, maintain a polite and low voiced response. Do not let it escalate into an argument, especially whenever you are in a group such as a holiday meal. This does not make you a coward, it makes you the wiser, better person in that moment.

If someone is in a bad mood, you can excuse yourself from the situation. You do not have to react back in anger. I know this can be difficult at times; I am guilty myself of it on occasion. However, everyone will be happier--especially in your romantic or family relationships--if you can take a step back and decide if this is a simple disagreement before reacting as if it is a big one.  Would you rather have a happy home life or know that you had the last word?   The rules of etiquette and your own mental health would give the same answer.

The Etiquette of Ghosting-- Should We Or Shouldn't We?

My husband recently read an article at slate.com on the value of ghosting. He showed it to me and asked me what I thought. I have to say I am torn.

Ghosting is the practice of simply fading away from a party without telling anyone. It means at the end of the night you pick up your things and quietly slip away without stopping to say goodbye.

This practice would never work at a small gathering. If there are less than about 8 or 10 people involved, your absence would be noticed and the conversation would soon turn to how rude it was to abandon them.  It also could be a safety issue if you are heading out into the dark alone. People should know you have left so they know you are safe.

However, at a large party the goodnight conversation has its own awkwardness.  You get your things together and you search the party for your host. You track them down in the middle of a conversation. First you patiently wait for a pause; trying not to awkwardly switch from foot to foot.Then you either find a natural pause and insert your "Excuse me" or you give up after several minutes of waiting and rudely interrupt.  Either way, you interrupt the conversation.  You then make your small talk to say goodbye before heading out.

The question is, is it more rude to interrupt them to say goodbye or to leave without saying goodbye?  What do you think? Feel free to post a comment.

Here is the link for the original slate.com article:

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/a_fine_whine/2013/07/ghosting_the_irish_goodbye_the_french_leave_stop_saying_goodbye_at_parties.html

Recently Engaged?

If you are one of the thousands of people who get engaged between Thanksgiving and Christmas, check out my books on Amazon.com for advice on what to do now.

There is  "I"m Engaged! Now What?" for wedding planning advice. It includes planning and budgeting checklists.

You can also check out "Etiquette As I Learned It" for the chapters on weddings and showers as well as invitations and thank you cards.   And Congratulations!

Complaining about your company

Even the best job in the world has its bad days. Maybe you had a tough customer. Maybe that project you have worked on for months was suddenly canceled. We all have bad days at work.

In the past, you would call up your friend or go to the bar with your coworkers for a drink. You could bad mouth your boss or your company and that would be it. These days we connect more digitally than in person. We often think nothing of tweeting or posting on Facebook.  The trouble comes when you post something negative about your company.

Never post negative comments about your boss, your company or your clients.

It is disloyal to your company. It is also harmful to you. You could lose your job. You could be overlooked for a promotion.  It could be as simple as your life being more complicated because your boss is just plain mad at you.   You could even face a lawsuit from the company or the client.

Think twice before you post your company's dirt laundry online. It is the best decision for everyone involved.

"I'm Engaged! Now What?"

My second book, I'm Engaged! Now What?, is now live as an ebook on Amazon.com. 

http://amzn.com/B00GSWFVRG

You are engaged! Congratulations! What do you do now? Where do you even start on all the things you need to do? "I'm Engaged! Now What?" is a guide to starting on your path to wedding planning bliss.This edition also includes suggested planning and budgeting checklists. Order now and start reading instantly.

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The Etiquette of Awkward

Every one has had that awkward moment that is too embarrassing to talk about. Maybe you burped during your presentation or you passed gas in front of some one you found attractive.  Maybe you were the one standing there when it happened to someone else.

There is no reason to be nervous or feel awkward if this happens to you.  Simply say, "Excuse me" in a calm voice and start talking about something else.   If someone else does this, simply ignore it.  Etiquette is always about reducing embarrassing and awkward moments. When ever possible, treat it as calmly as possible and move on.

Do not let awkwardness keep you from helping some one else in an embarrassing situation.  For instance, if you see someone whose zipper is down, tell them. State it simply and matter of fact, "Excuse me but your zipper has come undone." 

If someone has bad breath, offer them a mint or a piece of gum. If they have something in their nose, hand them a tissue.  There is no reason to make a big deal out of any of it.  Treat it all as matter of fact as you can and you will save everyone a lot of embarrassment.

After all if it was you, wouldn't you rather have that 30 seconds of awkwardness of some one letting you know? Much better than knowing you waited until you noticed it yourself. Now you don't have to spend the rest of the day wondering how many people saw it before you did.

Holiday Etiquette

It's almost time for Thanksgiving here in the states. A chance to catch up with family; to eat too much. Unfortunately it is also a huge opportunity for families to get on each others nerves. It is impossible to plan for or avoid every thing but here are some tips to minimize conflict.

Avoid controversial topics--do not bring up politics, religion, or whatever your family hot topic is. If it is how Uncle Damon drinks too much or how Aunt Sally dresses like a skank, then those topics are off limits for Thanksgiving.  If someone brings them up, try to graciously change the subject. If you can not do it subtly, then just ask someone to pass the potatoes.

If someone does bring up a sensitive topic or one that insults you personally, feel free to excuse yourself for  a few minutes.  Get up and walk to another room.  Take a few deep breaths and calm down.  When you get back just start talking about something else. Ask about some one's kids or their job.   I know it can be hard to swallow when you feel like someone is wheedling at you but it is only for a few hours. It is also the best thing for everyone in the room if you can just avoid the conflict.

Some one may have gotten divorced or separated in the past year. If so, be careful about inviting both of them. Yes, you have always had them before. This year you can't invite them both unless you are absolutely sure that they can handle being there without it devolving into a fight. Emotions run hot after a couple breaks up and not just the couple themselves. Other family members may feel betrayed by the break up of the couple.

Whether or not you have a seating plan is up to the hostess. Some people prefer to have them. Some prefer the sit any where approach. Some have them informally.  They can be a way to separate people you know are likely to fight by putting them at opposite ends of the table.

If you are going to some one's house, check with them in advance if you should bring something. Do not show up with anything that requires any kind of additional work such as heating it up or adding the garnishes, without first warning your host.

Here is hoping you have a wonderful conflict free Thanksgiving!

"Etiquette As I Learned It" now available

I am very excited to say my ebook, Etiquette As I Learned It, is now available at Barnes and Nobles www.bn.com in addition to Amazon www.Amazon.com.

For some reason the book description is not yet showing up on www.bn.com but they say it should show up any time.  It should also be going live on ibooks, Sony and Kobo in the next few weeks as well.

These are the links:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/etiquette-as-i-learned-it-ej-divitt/1117341590?ean=2940045372985

and

http://www.amazon.com/Etiquette-As-I-Learned-It-ebook/dp/B00E6XCPHS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1383919665&sr=8-1&keywords=etiquette+as+i+learned+it

Book Description:

Have you ever found yourself at a loss as to what to say to someone at a funeral? Been overwhelmed at the thought of writing a thank you card? You have good intentions but just need a little help? This book is for you.

This is a guide to etiquette in every day situations and special occasions including weddings, funerals and thank you cards. It includes an all new etiquette quiz with answers at the back of the book.

You can order now and start reading it instantly.

Personal Space At Dinner Parties

Sometimes when you are at a dinner party or out to eat with a large group, you find yourself reaching across someone and grabbing that roll from the bread basket. It seems so much simpler than getting their attention, asking them to pass the basket. Then you wait while they pass it, take the basket, pick your piece of bread, hand it back. They put the basket back down and you say thank you.   It all seems so complicated.  So much simpler to just reach across and take it, right?  I'm afraid not.

Most people do not like others in their personal space. Having someone--even someone they know well--lean across them is aggravating. Good manners say, never reach across anyone. Always ask them to pass the item, please. Thank you. As with most rules of good etiquette, the idea is to offend as few people as possible. Staying out of their personal space is the best way to do this.

Have you ever been sitting next to someone who just keeps leaning a little into your space?  Maybe it's not a big deal the first time or even the second. By the end of the evening you just want to elbow them in the side. (Please don't.)  This is exactly the person you should avoid becoming (and maybe sitting beside if you can help it).

It is often the small things that set us up to be the most aggravated.  Proper etiquette, also known as good manners, can help us avoid that.

Is It Still Rude If They Don't Understand You?

Have you ever been on the receiving end of an insult you were not supposed to understand?  Maybe they were speaking in a foreign language and assumed you did not speak it. Maybe they were using industry specific wording or thought you would not get that big word. Maybe they said it sort of under their breath.

Were you ever insulting to someone assuming they would not understand and been called on it?  

An insult is an insult regardless of whether you expected the other person to understand it. 

It is poor etiquette to stand there insulting someone even if you did not actually expect them to understand you.  Perhaps more so because you are assuming you are smarter or that there is no way they could be bilingual like you.

If you are caught doing it, apologize immediately. Get out of there as graciously as you can; then never do it again.

Never Ask About Kids or Marriage Plans

Anyone who is in a heterosexual relationship at some point in their lives will be asked two questions. When are you getting married and when are you having kids?

These questions are most often asked by people who have no business asking them.  Chances are if you are close enough to ask the question, you already have a good idea of the answer.

What people usually don't understand is that both of those questions are very sensitive ones. Maybe one of them wants to get married and the other does not.  Maybe one of them can not have kids. Maybe they have lost a child. People too often ask those questions meaning no harm but causing emotional pain anyways. Even if there is no emotional angst attached to the question, it is intrusive and violates their privacy. 

If you are close to the family, you could try feeling out a family member. If you are the family member, you could wait until you have them alone and ask them if they have considered having kids. If they are reluctant to speak, then drop it.

If you are a stranger or some one that does not know the couple well, never, ever ask either of those questions. If you see it happen to someone you know, feel free to step in and divert the subject. Or you can smile and say let's not rush them.

If you are the person being asked, feel free to put them off with a casual answer that tells them nothing. For instances, tell them you are enjoying being single and change the subject. It does not matter if it is not true. Etiquette allows you to tell fibs to save embarrassing people. You can say it is too soon to tell and change the subject. If it is someone you do not know well, just change the subject. Just because some one asks a question, does not mean you have to answer it.  This is true of any sensitive question.  If someone asks you about your weight or how much you make, smile (always smile) and ask, Why do you want to know?

What happened to Thank you?

I remember being a teenager and taking a job at the local grocery store. Part of my training was being told to say thank you to every customer. When I handed back their change or gave them their receipt, I was to smile and say thank you.

I don't think that is part of training in customer service anymore.  I can not remember the last time a cashier thanked me. I'm not saying that all cashiers are rude. They are varying degrees of rude or pleasant just like the rest of the world. It just feels like they don't understand that in that moment they are representing their company.

I'm no longer working at that grocery store but I am still in customer service and I still thank the customers.  I represent my company. The customer has just done my company the favor of purchasing our services.  So I say thank you even to the difficult ones. It's good training and it's good etiquette.

Handicap Parking

"I'll only be a minute."   

I was at a restaurant last year milling around outside waiting to be called for my table. There was a white van idling in the handicap spot. I'm sure he thought he was only going to be a minute. He was probably just waiting for someone to come out. 

An elderly couple drove up, saw the handicap space was filled and kept driving. They ended up parking down towards the end of the lot. I saw them slowly make their way up from the end of the parking lot. I was watching how slowly they were walking and mentally chastising the van driver. That is why I saw the old woman fall down.

She got hurt.

And the worst thing?   The driver in the white van was still idling in the handicap parking space the whole time.

You may think you are only going to be a minute but a minute is all it takes for someone to drive up and see the space is full. And admit it, that minute often stretches into several minutes. You may end up waiting in line or needing more time to pick out that movie from the red box.

Think twice before you pull into that handicapped space; be grateful you don't need it.

Funerals and Bereavement

It is hard to know what to do when some one is hurting. You feel awkward and unsure. Some people do nothing rather than make the situation worse. It is a difficult situation to be in--from both sides.

If you hear that someone has died, do not ignore it. Waiting to find the right time or the right thing to say often leads to never doing anything. Push past your feelings of nervousness to help them with their grief or anger.

If you hear there is going to be a wake, think seriously about attending it. If one of the survivors is a friend, family member or close associate, go to the wake. If it is too far away to travel easily, send a card.   There are many commercial cards sold that do a fine job of finding nice words. Don't let not knowing what to write stop you. Sending the store bought card is better than waiting to find the words and never sending anything.

Say "I am sorry for your loss."  Be careful of using phrases like, "It's for the best."   Most people when grieving don't want to hear that.  It could make them angry or make them feel like you are belittling their grief. Some would say it is a cliche but I've never heard of any one being offended by it.

Feel free to send flowers. Do not bring them directly to the wake or funeral yourself. They won't even notice them in that situation. Have them shipped to the funeral home and the professionals will sort it out.

Check in with them in a few days and see how they are doing. Don't be discouraged if they aren't inclined to want to talk. Give them time and try to be there for them.

Miss Manners Fan

I've always enjoyed reading Miss Manners. Mostly, I confess, that I enjoy shaking my head in shock at the poor behavior. The attempts to justify bad manners by saying "they started it!"  I think most of the etiquette situations there are pretty clear cut.   No you may not throw down your fork and storm out because they said something mean.  No you do not get to pack yourself a doggy bag when you eat at some one's house.

Etiquette is just a fancy way to say have good manners.  Good manners mean being gracious in ungracious circumstances. It means being above reproach even if you are mentally reproaching everyone else.  Be that gracious person that every one else thinks of as the one who always knows the right thing to do.   Fake it if necessary.  And if you mess up and do something ungracious, shake it off and start over. It is never too late to act the lady or gentleman.