Don't Presume Everyone Is On Social Media

I recently saw a story of a woman who did not get an invitation to her brother's wedding. There had been no fight; no reason to think she was deliberately excluded. When she questioned it, she was told that he had posted a message on Facebook that anyone who wanted to attend should let him know. She had not seen the message.

Leaving aside the fact that you should be making a list and sending out invitations to something as important as a wedding, this man was leaving the guest list for his wedding up to both the vagrancies of the internet and chance.

Even those of us who do use Facebook, do not necessarily check it every day or see every post that worms its way through our news feed. It would be easy to miss it.

I know it probably seemed an easy way to do it to this man's mind. He left the planning of the guest list up to others. If they really wanted to go, they would be checking his Facebook feed or making a point to contact him.  This completely ignores the fact that it would be rude for people to contact him asking for an invitation to the wedding. 

You would think he would at least send invitations to immediate family and close friends regardless of whether they saw or responded to his post. He also put himself in a position of including people who probably are not that important to him.  After all, Facebook includes acquaintances as well as close friends and family and you just told everyone on your friend list that they can come.

Facebook and Twitter and the other forms of social media are wonderful tools. They let us catch glimpses into each others lives in ways we never could before. They let us quickly start the passing of important or even semi important news.  But using them as the exclusive way to handle something this important is rather like taking out a billboard on the highway and then being annoyed if not everyone drove that way.

Skip the hurt feelings and the confusion and the potential that important people may miss your important event. Go ahead and use Facebook or Twitter as a starting point but not assume it absolves you of any further work.  Take the time and do it right.

Movie Theater Etiquette

I think the most important part of movie theater etiquette is the most obvious. Do not talk during the movie.   If you like to talk through movies, then you really should wait and get the movies to watch at home. This is easily done these days with a quick trip to your library, ordering it online or by streaming it. Be careful, though, to make sure that your talking through the move at home does not annoy your family or significant other.

Turn off all cell phones or electronics while in the theater.  If you are especially early, you could keep it on and then turn it off once the preshow starts. Do not talk on your cell phone or search your smart phone during any part of the show. Some people enjoy watching the preshow or the previews. Do not keep them from enjoying it. They paid good money to be there.  You can always step outside the theater door if you want to use your phone.

But if I am just searching things on my smart phone I am not making any noise. No you are not making noise but your screen lights up. That bright light is distracting to the people behind you.   Please be considerate.

If you are tall, please consider sitting further to the back or going to theaters with stadium style seating so that people can see from behind you. On the opposite side, if you are short, please consider sitting closer to the front.

Keep your children from attacking the chairs around them. This includes kicking, hitting or putting their feet on the back of the seat in front of them. It makes the chair of that person bounce which is very distracting while trying to watch a show.

Only use the empty seat next to you as a coat hanger if the theater is mostly empty. If it is popular show, your belongings should go on the back of your own seat or under your seat. The exception being if you are saving a seat for someone.

Avoid coming in after the movie has already started. It distracts people and makes it difficult for you to find a seat without a hassle.  Avoid going to the movies if you have a cough or cold. It is better for your health to stay home and get better and it is better for everyone else if you do not cough, sneeze and blow your nose through the show.

When the show is over, make sure you have all of your belongings and have picked up all of your trash.

What did I miss?  Any movie theater habits that drive you crazy?

Honoring Your Host's Wishes

Today is Super Bowl Sunday for us Americans. It is often a day where people get together to watch two footballs teams fight it out while surrounding ourselves with a near ridiculous amount of food and beer.

If you are invited to a Super Bowl party, you may be wondering what you should or should not bring to the party.   The answer generally is to contact your host and ask them. A call or an email to say "Is there anything I can bring?" is a simple straightforward way to do it.  If they say yes, they may very well have an item in mind such as an appetizer or wine.  If not, suggest what you would like to bring.  Are you someone who likes making little appetizers or someone who would rather grab a bag of chips?

If they say no they do not need you to bring anything, then you should honor that. You may be trying to help or to reduce their work load but they may be offended. It was not that long ago that the thought of asking or offering to bring something outside of a pot luck or family tragedy was not even considered.  Some people still consider it a slight on the host to suggest that they are not capable of providing a complete meal.

You should also never bring something without consulting your host. You may mean well by bringing those chocolate chip cookies but what if they have already made chocolate chip cookies?  Or you show up with a dip that needs heating but they are actively cooking and you throw off their rhythm or schedule?

For many people, the reason they want to bring something is a feeling of obligation. Your host is going to all of this trouble so you feel you should reciprocate in some way. The best way to do this is to reciprocate with an invitation later. Have them over for dinner or to watch a movie and eat snacks.  You do not have to have the same level of food or occasion that they do; just having them over is sufficient. So make that call or send that email and see what you can do to help.  Accept their answer either way and when the time is right, feel free to have them over or take them out. One good time out deserves another. 

Being Polite Is Not Giving In

There is an old question. Would you rather be right or be happy?  For some people, there is no difference. To them, accuracy or in some cases superiority, is more important. In many cases, proper etiquette means rising above these things.

This does not mean being a pushover.  Rules of etiquette often give you a chillingly polite way to respond. (If you do not believe me, check out Miss Manners columns sometime.) What they do not do, is let you be rude back. For instance, if someone is rude to you on the phone, you do not yell back at them. Etiquette means being polite even when others are not.

Good manners mean saying please even to family or friends that you have known for years. It does not mean if another adult fails to say please, that you get to correct them in public. It is something that should either be brought up in private or ignored. This is not being a pushover. Ultimately, the role of etiquette is to make life smoother all around. It exists to keep conflicts from exploding into full out wars.

If someone tries to start a disagreement, maintain a polite and low voiced response. Do not let it escalate into an argument, especially whenever you are in a group such as a holiday meal. This does not make you a coward, it makes you the wiser, better person in that moment.

If someone is in a bad mood, you can excuse yourself from the situation. You do not have to react back in anger. I know this can be difficult at times; I am guilty myself of it on occasion. However, everyone will be happier--especially in your romantic or family relationships--if you can take a step back and decide if this is a simple disagreement before reacting as if it is a big one.  Would you rather have a happy home life or know that you had the last word?   The rules of etiquette and your own mental health would give the same answer.