Re-Gifting Is An Art; Not A Crime.

If you have a perfectly good present that is simply not to your taste, then why not re-use it? You could give it to charity or you could give it to someone in your life that you think could use or want it.

There are some things you should never do. Never re-gift to the same circle. For example, your family member gives your husband a present. You can not turn around and give the present to another member of your same family. They will find out and there will most likely be hurt feelings both from the giver and the new recipient.

You never re-gift a present just to get rid of it or just to have a present for some one. You should have a reasonable expectation that the new recipient will like the gift. For example, if someone gives you a book on conservative politics, don't give it to the ultra-liberal person. Even when re-gifting, you should attempt to do so thoughtfully. A Barnes & Nobles gift card is a thoughtful gift for a book lover. A gift card to a liquor store is not a good gift for some one who does not drink.

The gift should also be new and unused. Giving away something you have already used and no longer need is a great thing to do when there is no occasion involved and it is just freely given. It is not a great thing to do as a Christmas or birthday present.

Gifts should be free of monograms or personalized notes. If someone wrote a personal message in the front of the book, you can not re-gift it.

If the re-gifting is an attempt to save money, you could look into making something or offering things instead. Do you knit beautiful blankets? Could you give them a home made IOU to babysit for an evening out? Perhaps you could make them cookies.

It is not re-gifting that is the crime. It is when people do it thoughtlessly that the trouble starts.

American Flag Etiquette

The 4th of July is almost here. I thought this would be a good time to go over some etiquette for proper treatment of the American flag.

The flag should never touch the ground. It should be properly folded when stored.

The flag should never be thrown in the trash no matter how worn out it might be. The code states that you should dispose of the flag in an honorable way, preferably by burning.  Our local Boy Scouts will take back old flags for proper disposal. You may want to check with your local Boy Scouts or similar foundation in your area. It is permissible to mend or repair a flag.

The flag should not be left out in bad weather. If you hang out a flag, you should bring it in at night and put it back in the morning but not if it is raining or snowing.  You should only fly all weather flags if you plan to leave it out; never cloth ones.



Flags should be hung at half-mast (or half-staff) only when mourning a death. Otherwise, it should fly high and proud. It should always fly upright unless being used as a distress signal.

During the National Anthem, all persons should face the flag. You should stand at attention with your hand on your heart. If you are not any American, you should still stand at attention out of respect but do not place your hand on your heart.  

Members of the Armed Forces who are in uniform should render the military salute. If you are in civilian clothes or a veteran, you may chose whether to salute or stand with your hand on your heart.
If the flag is in motion such as a parade, you salute as it passes you.

The flag itself should never be used as decoration or advertising. Instead you should use red, white and blue stripes. You should never write on or attached any other symbols, emblems etc to the flag. It should be shown as is. 

Treat the flag with respect always. It is the symbol of our country. God Bless The USA and Happy 4th of July. 

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. Here are a few things to keep in mind for the holiday.

If you are close enough, you should make every effort to see your mother today. That edict includes step mothers and foster mothers as well. It is not just biology that makes a parent.

If you are not close enough to see her, make sure you call to say Happy Mother's Day.  For those farther away, send a card and/or a present. Hopefully, you have already sent it at this point. If not, get it out to her tomorrow but make sure you call her today.

Try not to put one mother ahead of another. Your mother should not always get first pick of plans nor should your spouse or partner's. Alternate years if you need to, so that your mother gets first preference even years and theirs, odd years.

If you have small children, do not forget the mother of your children. It is your responsibility to make sure she gets a proper Mother's Day until the children are old enough to do it themselves.

Try not to always put your mother ahead of the mother of your children as well. Try the alternating years with alternating days. Your wife gets Mother's Day one year while your mother gets taken out on Saturday instead and the next year you alternate. This may not be necessary but make sure you know how the mother of your children feels about always tagging along on your mother's day before you decide.

Really the proper etiquette for today is gratitude. Find the good in your relationship--even if you have a strained one--and try to make sure you recognize your mother on Mother's Day. If nothing else, they make greeting cards for all relationships. You may have spend a little time finding the right one but you will find it. Hopefully you have a wonderful relationship with your mother and this is all just frosting but if not, at least be cordial. As always, etiquette asks for civility if you can not be friendly.

Time For Thank You Cards

Christmas time has come and gone again. For many of us, that means presents. Presents often mean a need for thank you cards.

If you did not open the present in front of the giver, you need to send them a thank you card. Even if you did open it in front of them--and said thank  you--you may want to send a thank you card or email anyways. Thank you cards are seldom a bad choice so when in doubt, go ahead and send one.

Some simple rules for thank you cards:

Whenever you open a present outside the presence of the giver, send a thank you card.

Send the thank you card within two weeks for most occasions. If it is for a wedding or baby shower, you can stretch that out to a month or two as people understand that you probably have a lot of them to do. However, anything else, do it as quickly as possible.  For one thing, this eliminates the wait for the giver. For another, it makes it much less likely that you will forget to do it.

Always put something good about the gift or giver at the beginning of the thank you card.  For example, "It was wonderful of you to take the time to send a present." or "I love the colors of the blanket you sent."

Always finish with the words, "Thank you"

If the gift was given to a small child, feel free to include them in the process. They can draw a picture or write a little message. Chances are whoever cared enough to send them a present would love to get a personal message from them.  It also helps to teach your children so that some day, they too will know to send a thank you card.

Being Gracious And Grateful For Your Christmas Gifts

Christmas is only a few days away. If you are like most Americans, you are about to be given presents. Possibly a lot of presents.   Chances are that not every one of these presents is going to be exactly to your liking. Maybe it is the wrong color or a style you would never wear. Perhaps you already got that same book or have seen that movie.   This is exactly Not the time to say so.

Getting presents is a privilege. It says that people care about you; that they want to get you something.  Someone took the time and trouble to go shopping or looking online for something for you. Even if they miss the mark, always accept graciously and with a thank you.  If you do not open it in front of the giver, send a Thank you card. (If you are the giver, you may want to consider including a gift receipt so the person has the option of returning it.)

Always thank someone for the thought. Never tell them the gift is wrong or not your style. Never complain to them about the gift. Never hand it back and ask them to return it. It comes down to treating people with respect. They tried and that alone is worth a thank you and a smile; maybe even a hug. Throwing a gift back in someone's face is bad manners and worse, it is hurtful.

Remember that this is the season of giving. If someone does give you a gift, try to remember the reason for the season and smile.  

Merry Christmas!

The Etiquette of Ghosting-- Should We Or Shouldn't We?

My husband recently read an article at slate.com on the value of ghosting. He showed it to me and asked me what I thought. I have to say I am torn.

Ghosting is the practice of simply fading away from a party without telling anyone. It means at the end of the night you pick up your things and quietly slip away without stopping to say goodbye.

This practice would never work at a small gathering. If there are less than about 8 or 10 people involved, your absence would be noticed and the conversation would soon turn to how rude it was to abandon them.  It also could be a safety issue if you are heading out into the dark alone. People should know you have left so they know you are safe.

However, at a large party the goodnight conversation has its own awkwardness.  You get your things together and you search the party for your host. You track them down in the middle of a conversation. First you patiently wait for a pause; trying not to awkwardly switch from foot to foot.Then you either find a natural pause and insert your "Excuse me" or you give up after several minutes of waiting and rudely interrupt.  Either way, you interrupt the conversation.  You then make your small talk to say goodbye before heading out.

The question is, is it more rude to interrupt them to say goodbye or to leave without saying goodbye?  What do you think? Feel free to post a comment.

Here is the link for the original slate.com article:

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/a_fine_whine/2013/07/ghosting_the_irish_goodbye_the_french_leave_stop_saying_goodbye_at_parties.html

Holiday Etiquette

It's almost time for Thanksgiving here in the states. A chance to catch up with family; to eat too much. Unfortunately it is also a huge opportunity for families to get on each others nerves. It is impossible to plan for or avoid every thing but here are some tips to minimize conflict.

Avoid controversial topics--do not bring up politics, religion, or whatever your family hot topic is. If it is how Uncle Damon drinks too much or how Aunt Sally dresses like a skank, then those topics are off limits for Thanksgiving.  If someone brings them up, try to graciously change the subject. If you can not do it subtly, then just ask someone to pass the potatoes.

If someone does bring up a sensitive topic or one that insults you personally, feel free to excuse yourself for  a few minutes.  Get up and walk to another room.  Take a few deep breaths and calm down.  When you get back just start talking about something else. Ask about some one's kids or their job.   I know it can be hard to swallow when you feel like someone is wheedling at you but it is only for a few hours. It is also the best thing for everyone in the room if you can just avoid the conflict.

Some one may have gotten divorced or separated in the past year. If so, be careful about inviting both of them. Yes, you have always had them before. This year you can't invite them both unless you are absolutely sure that they can handle being there without it devolving into a fight. Emotions run hot after a couple breaks up and not just the couple themselves. Other family members may feel betrayed by the break up of the couple.

Whether or not you have a seating plan is up to the hostess. Some people prefer to have them. Some prefer the sit any where approach. Some have them informally.  They can be a way to separate people you know are likely to fight by putting them at opposite ends of the table.

If you are going to some one's house, check with them in advance if you should bring something. Do not show up with anything that requires any kind of additional work such as heating it up or adding the garnishes, without first warning your host.

Here is hoping you have a wonderful conflict free Thanksgiving!