We have all been in that situation where someone does something that is just plain rude. They don't say thank you or they chew with their mouths open. Maybe you sent them a present or made a donation to their cause and never got a thank you. It's aggravating.
Sadly, it is just as rude to call them on it.
You can ask someone nicely if they received that present or donation. You can not walk up to them and demand a thank you. You should never say "You're welcome" with sarcasm. You should never say "Excuse you" when someone cuts you off.
It's tempting. I succumbed to the temptation last week myself. I was in a grocery store and an employee cut across from the register directly across my path as I was walking straight. She then stopped right in front of me and turned and said something to another employee. I had to stop short while holding bags of groceries. She just looked at me and continued on. I admit it. I muttered "excuse you" after her.
That was rude of me.
Yes she was being rude as well as inconsiderate and making her employers look bad to boot, but I still was rude as well.
Do not stoop. Do not become the rudeness. It only spreads. I sincerely doubt I did anything to correct her behavior and only behaved badly myself.
Etiquette means behaving the correct way even if every one around you is being rude. Myself included.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Declining Is Not The Same As Being Rude
Some people think that saying no is rude. They think they have to accept every invitation; help with every event. That is just not true. Etiquette does not require you to give up all of your time and work yourself until you are sick just because someone asks you. It only says you need to be polite in your refusals.
If someone invites you to a party and you already have plans, you do not need to try to fit them both in. This usually just leads to a lot of running around and cutting visits short. It is perfectly fine to say, "We won't be able to make it. We already made plans."
If someone asks you to volunteer or make a donation, you can say, "I won't be able to help you with that but good luck." If you are the person doing the asking, you should accept it gracefully. No harassing people when you get an answer you do not like.
A few years ago there was a man in my town center who was trying to sign people up to be bone marrow donors. He was literally yelling at a perfectly polite declination. Do you think the other people in the area were eager to sign up after he berated that person? I think they probably just tried to avoid him completely. How did that help his cause?
Everyone has their own personal causes that speak to them. Maybe they already donate elsewhere or volunteer there. Do you think this man planned to help out with everyone else causes? Even if the declination just came from selfishness, the correct response was politeness. Definitely a case where his rudeness did nothing to help his cause and may very well have harmed it. He may have cost himself other donors because he was too busy yelling at that person. Plus it was just plain impolite.
Keep in mind as well that an invitation is offered on the hosts terms. That means if you are invited to dinner and you have plans elsewhere that mean you could make it but not until several hours later, you should decline. You should not send back that you will be there at 8. It could be a sit-down dinner and such a response puts your host in the awkward position of now feeling as though they have to serve dinner twice. Say simply that you will not be able to attend because the event starts at 6 and you won't be home until 8. If the hosts wants, they can then extend an invitation to come at 8 or invite you on another day.
Basically, do not think saying no means you are being rude and in your quest not to be rude to the latest offer, do not be rude to the people with whom you already have plans. If you are moving people around or constantly cutting things short so you a fit everyone in, you are causing yourself unnecessary stress and probably causing hard feelings. Be polite and treat everyone as you would want to be treated regardless of which side of the invitation or request you are on.
If someone invites you to a party and you already have plans, you do not need to try to fit them both in. This usually just leads to a lot of running around and cutting visits short. It is perfectly fine to say, "We won't be able to make it. We already made plans."
If someone asks you to volunteer or make a donation, you can say, "I won't be able to help you with that but good luck." If you are the person doing the asking, you should accept it gracefully. No harassing people when you get an answer you do not like.
A few years ago there was a man in my town center who was trying to sign people up to be bone marrow donors. He was literally yelling at a perfectly polite declination. Do you think the other people in the area were eager to sign up after he berated that person? I think they probably just tried to avoid him completely. How did that help his cause?
Everyone has their own personal causes that speak to them. Maybe they already donate elsewhere or volunteer there. Do you think this man planned to help out with everyone else causes? Even if the declination just came from selfishness, the correct response was politeness. Definitely a case where his rudeness did nothing to help his cause and may very well have harmed it. He may have cost himself other donors because he was too busy yelling at that person. Plus it was just plain impolite.
Keep in mind as well that an invitation is offered on the hosts terms. That means if you are invited to dinner and you have plans elsewhere that mean you could make it but not until several hours later, you should decline. You should not send back that you will be there at 8. It could be a sit-down dinner and such a response puts your host in the awkward position of now feeling as though they have to serve dinner twice. Say simply that you will not be able to attend because the event starts at 6 and you won't be home until 8. If the hosts wants, they can then extend an invitation to come at 8 or invite you on another day.
Basically, do not think saying no means you are being rude and in your quest not to be rude to the latest offer, do not be rude to the people with whom you already have plans. If you are moving people around or constantly cutting things short so you a fit everyone in, you are causing yourself unnecessary stress and probably causing hard feelings. Be polite and treat everyone as you would want to be treated regardless of which side of the invitation or request you are on.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Have You Changed Your Clocks?
Hello Daylight Savings Time. Back so soon?
Time to spring forward that hour. Make sure you set all of your clocks forward. Chances are your computer and your TV have already reset themselves. Do not forget to advance your mp3 player or your car radio; your microwave, your stove, your land line, your wristwatch.
Leaving someone waiting because you did not remember to reset your clock is the height of poor etiquette. Make sure you take care of all of your devices to avoid confusion for you and others. You also don't want to be late for work. Well, maybe you do but why make it accidental, right?
So take a few minutes and just change everything now. If you are uncertain of the exact time, visit time.gov and it will show you the official US time for your time zone. If you need help updating your devices, feel free to ask someone to help you or use a search engine to find instructions for advancing the hour. There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need as long as you ask politely.
Time to spring forward that hour. Make sure you set all of your clocks forward. Chances are your computer and your TV have already reset themselves. Do not forget to advance your mp3 player or your car radio; your microwave, your stove, your land line, your wristwatch.
Leaving someone waiting because you did not remember to reset your clock is the height of poor etiquette. Make sure you take care of all of your devices to avoid confusion for you and others. You also don't want to be late for work. Well, maybe you do but why make it accidental, right?
So take a few minutes and just change everything now. If you are uncertain of the exact time, visit time.gov and it will show you the official US time for your time zone. If you need help updating your devices, feel free to ask someone to help you or use a search engine to find instructions for advancing the hour. There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need as long as you ask politely.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Darn! What Was Their Name Again?
Don't you just hate that feeling of running into someone and knowing absolutely that you should know their name but you just can't quite remember it? I know I do. So what is the proper etiquette for blundering around someone's name?
There is nothing wrong with flat out saying, "I'm sorry. I have forgotten your name." It should, of course, be accompanied by a suitably apologetic look. If it is someone you only met once or twice, this will work fine. If it is someone you have met several times, you may want to go a step further and give them what details you do remember so as to minimize the feeling that they are completely forgettable. For instance, "I know we met at my aunt's bbq last summer." Also feel free to stress that it is your fault by saying something like, "I have a terrible memory for names."
You can always attempt the subtle maneuver by introducing someone else. For instance, "Have you meet my husband, John?". Then wait for them to respond such as, "Hi John. I'm Sally." This could backfire as it is a commonly known trick. The other person may also wait for you to properly finish the introduction by saying, "John, this is Sally."
Some people will be offended; some people will shrug it off. If you find you have offended someone, apologize sincerely. Make a note of their name and try to move the conversation along.
You may want to try to make an extra effort to remember the name. You can try memory tricks such as rhyming the name with something about them such as Sally from the Valley. You can try repeating the name several times when you are first introduced. "Hello Sally. It is nice to meet you Sally." could start the conversation and "It was nice speaking with you Sally" could end it. Your brain finds it easier to remember something 3 times.
As always, if you make a mistake, feel free to say sorry and move on.
There is nothing wrong with flat out saying, "I'm sorry. I have forgotten your name." It should, of course, be accompanied by a suitably apologetic look. If it is someone you only met once or twice, this will work fine. If it is someone you have met several times, you may want to go a step further and give them what details you do remember so as to minimize the feeling that they are completely forgettable. For instance, "I know we met at my aunt's bbq last summer." Also feel free to stress that it is your fault by saying something like, "I have a terrible memory for names."
You can always attempt the subtle maneuver by introducing someone else. For instance, "Have you meet my husband, John?". Then wait for them to respond such as, "Hi John. I'm Sally." This could backfire as it is a commonly known trick. The other person may also wait for you to properly finish the introduction by saying, "John, this is Sally."
Some people will be offended; some people will shrug it off. If you find you have offended someone, apologize sincerely. Make a note of their name and try to move the conversation along.
You may want to try to make an extra effort to remember the name. You can try memory tricks such as rhyming the name with something about them such as Sally from the Valley. You can try repeating the name several times when you are first introduced. "Hello Sally. It is nice to meet you Sally." could start the conversation and "It was nice speaking with you Sally" could end it. Your brain finds it easier to remember something 3 times.
As always, if you make a mistake, feel free to say sorry and move on.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Dealing With Customer Service Representatives
It is becoming increasingly more common these days when dealing with a company such as your cable, your insurance or a purchase, that you may be calling a large service center or emailing the company. Here are some guidelines.
First, always put identifying information on the subject line of any emails. These could be your name or your account number. This lets them identify your account and if you continue to email back and forth, to differentiate you from every other email they may get that day. Putting Highland Ave on the subject line may let you know it is your Highland Ave house but if the email right after you says Highland St as the subject line, this could lead to you getting wrong information. Try instead putting something like Jane Doe, Highland Ave, #1315656.
Do not put sensitive information such as your social security number or passwords. This is intended to identify you; not put you at risk.
Second, when emailing to a company, it is a good idea to be polite and precise in your initial emails. Requests that come filled with profanity or threats are rarely going to get you the result you want. Always start by being polite and saying what it is you want from them. This is especially true if you are asking them to make an exception to their company policy.
The same rules of politeness apply when calling a company. Start off by identifying yourself such as providing the name on the account or the number. Let them know what the situation is and what they should do to resolve it to your satisfaction. For example, an item arrived damaged so you would like a replacement one. Your bill never came so you would like them to waive the late fee.
If the person you are speaking with can not help you, then ask to speak with a supervisor or manager. This is especially true if the representative is saying something like "I can not" or "I am unable". This may be them trying to tell you to ask for a supervisor. A lot of companies will not let you be transferred until you ask to be transferred. By berating the first person, you are wasting your time and ruining their day. Neither of which will help you.
Above all, try to remain calm. The person with whom you are speaking is rarely the person who caused your problem and may not even be the person who can fix it. Try not to yell or threaten or swear at some one just because they are on the other end of the phone. This is especially true if the mistake was yours and you are asking them to do something for you because of it such as waiving a late fee when you forgot to send your payment.
As always when ever you deal with some one in a service position, treat them with respect and civility. Be polite, have your information handy and be clear about what it is you want and people will be more likely to go that extra mile to help you out.
First, always put identifying information on the subject line of any emails. These could be your name or your account number. This lets them identify your account and if you continue to email back and forth, to differentiate you from every other email they may get that day. Putting Highland Ave on the subject line may let you know it is your Highland Ave house but if the email right after you says Highland St as the subject line, this could lead to you getting wrong information. Try instead putting something like Jane Doe, Highland Ave, #1315656.
Do not put sensitive information such as your social security number or passwords. This is intended to identify you; not put you at risk.
Second, when emailing to a company, it is a good idea to be polite and precise in your initial emails. Requests that come filled with profanity or threats are rarely going to get you the result you want. Always start by being polite and saying what it is you want from them. This is especially true if you are asking them to make an exception to their company policy.
The same rules of politeness apply when calling a company. Start off by identifying yourself such as providing the name on the account or the number. Let them know what the situation is and what they should do to resolve it to your satisfaction. For example, an item arrived damaged so you would like a replacement one. Your bill never came so you would like them to waive the late fee.
If the person you are speaking with can not help you, then ask to speak with a supervisor or manager. This is especially true if the representative is saying something like "I can not" or "I am unable". This may be them trying to tell you to ask for a supervisor. A lot of companies will not let you be transferred until you ask to be transferred. By berating the first person, you are wasting your time and ruining their day. Neither of which will help you.
Above all, try to remain calm. The person with whom you are speaking is rarely the person who caused your problem and may not even be the person who can fix it. Try not to yell or threaten or swear at some one just because they are on the other end of the phone. This is especially true if the mistake was yours and you are asking them to do something for you because of it such as waiving a late fee when you forgot to send your payment.
As always when ever you deal with some one in a service position, treat them with respect and civility. Be polite, have your information handy and be clear about what it is you want and people will be more likely to go that extra mile to help you out.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Winter Etiquette
It is early February and we up here in the Northeast are mostly pretty sick of snow. It's something that is not getting any better for at least 4 to 6 weeks but we can make an effort to be considerate of each other as we all deal with Mother Nature.
Clean the snow off the roof of your car. If you do not clean it off because you can not reach, keep in mind that they do sell snow brushes with extra long handles and extenders that can be added on to existing snow brushes. If you leave snow on the roof of your car, it can lead to several issues.
1) You could stop short and have the snow fall and block your windshield.
2) The snow could start to melt and slide down and block your rear window.
3) If it is windy, the snow could fly off and land on the windshield of the person behind you potentially causing them to have an accident or at the very least, get a bad scare. In many places, you are legally liable if your failure to clean your car leads to an accident for someone else.
Make sure you can see out of your windows before pulling out. When you try to see out of the tiny clear circle you made, you endanger everyone. There is a reason your windshield is so big. Its' so you can see everyone around you.
Never push the snow from your driveway out into the street. The logic of it sounds solid. The plows are going to be along and push that snow out of there anyways, right? Except how many times have you lamented the lack of a plow down your street? Or been driving and thought the plows did not do a very good job and should be back? Plows don't come by nearly often enough. In the meantime, you have just added to the problem for everyone that drives by. Again, this action is also illegal in many places.
You may not be able to see the lines of the parking space. Park as best you can. This time of year a lot of spaces tend to be lost to piles of snow. Do your best to be as straight and accurate as you can so your car is not blocking some of those limited spaces.
Try to keep your cars in your driveway when it is going to snow. Avoid parking on the street if at all possible so the snow plows can get as close as possible to the side of the road. If your car is parked there, they will have to do a wide circle around to avoid it and leave a large unplowed patch after you leave.
If you have an elderly neighbor, consider helping them clear off their steps or a path to get out. People have heart attacks every year from shoveling snow. Plus it's just neighborly.
Wipe your feet or stomp your boots before entering a building. Everyone is tired of mopping up puddles and salt by now.
Do your best to be considerate of others and maybe we can make this winter go by a little easier since we can't make it go faster. Here's hoping the rest of the winter will be more snow angels-and-hot chocolate than shoveling -and-slipping.
Clean the snow off the roof of your car. If you do not clean it off because you can not reach, keep in mind that they do sell snow brushes with extra long handles and extenders that can be added on to existing snow brushes. If you leave snow on the roof of your car, it can lead to several issues.
1) You could stop short and have the snow fall and block your windshield.
2) The snow could start to melt and slide down and block your rear window.
3) If it is windy, the snow could fly off and land on the windshield of the person behind you potentially causing them to have an accident or at the very least, get a bad scare. In many places, you are legally liable if your failure to clean your car leads to an accident for someone else.
Make sure you can see out of your windows before pulling out. When you try to see out of the tiny clear circle you made, you endanger everyone. There is a reason your windshield is so big. Its' so you can see everyone around you.
Never push the snow from your driveway out into the street. The logic of it sounds solid. The plows are going to be along and push that snow out of there anyways, right? Except how many times have you lamented the lack of a plow down your street? Or been driving and thought the plows did not do a very good job and should be back? Plows don't come by nearly often enough. In the meantime, you have just added to the problem for everyone that drives by. Again, this action is also illegal in many places.
You may not be able to see the lines of the parking space. Park as best you can. This time of year a lot of spaces tend to be lost to piles of snow. Do your best to be as straight and accurate as you can so your car is not blocking some of those limited spaces.
Try to keep your cars in your driveway when it is going to snow. Avoid parking on the street if at all possible so the snow plows can get as close as possible to the side of the road. If your car is parked there, they will have to do a wide circle around to avoid it and leave a large unplowed patch after you leave.
If you have an elderly neighbor, consider helping them clear off their steps or a path to get out. People have heart attacks every year from shoveling snow. Plus it's just neighborly.
Wipe your feet or stomp your boots before entering a building. Everyone is tired of mopping up puddles and salt by now.
Do your best to be considerate of others and maybe we can make this winter go by a little easier since we can't make it go faster. Here's hoping the rest of the winter will be more snow angels-and-hot chocolate than shoveling -and-slipping.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Honoring Your Host's Wishes
Today is Super Bowl Sunday for us Americans. It is often a day where people get together to watch two footballs teams fight it out while surrounding ourselves with a near ridiculous amount of food and beer.
If you are invited to a Super Bowl party, you may be wondering what you should or should not bring to the party. The answer generally is to contact your host and ask them. A call or an email to say "Is there anything I can bring?" is a simple straightforward way to do it. If they say yes, they may very well have an item in mind such as an appetizer or wine. If not, suggest what you would like to bring. Are you someone who likes making little appetizers or someone who would rather grab a bag of chips?
If they say no they do not need you to bring anything, then you should honor that. You may be trying to help or to reduce their work load but they may be offended. It was not that long ago that the thought of asking or offering to bring something outside of a pot luck or family tragedy was not even considered. Some people still consider it a slight on the host to suggest that they are not capable of providing a complete meal.
You should also never bring something without consulting your host. You may mean well by bringing those chocolate chip cookies but what if they have already made chocolate chip cookies? Or you show up with a dip that needs heating but they are actively cooking and you throw off their rhythm or schedule?
For many people, the reason they want to bring something is a feeling of obligation. Your host is going to all of this trouble so you feel you should reciprocate in some way. The best way to do this is to reciprocate with an invitation later. Have them over for dinner or to watch a movie and eat snacks. You do not have to have the same level of food or occasion that they do; just having them over is sufficient. So make that call or send that email and see what you can do to help. Accept their answer either way and when the time is right, feel free to have them over or take them out. One good time out deserves another.
If you are invited to a Super Bowl party, you may be wondering what you should or should not bring to the party. The answer generally is to contact your host and ask them. A call or an email to say "Is there anything I can bring?" is a simple straightforward way to do it. If they say yes, they may very well have an item in mind such as an appetizer or wine. If not, suggest what you would like to bring. Are you someone who likes making little appetizers or someone who would rather grab a bag of chips?
If they say no they do not need you to bring anything, then you should honor that. You may be trying to help or to reduce their work load but they may be offended. It was not that long ago that the thought of asking or offering to bring something outside of a pot luck or family tragedy was not even considered. Some people still consider it a slight on the host to suggest that they are not capable of providing a complete meal.
You should also never bring something without consulting your host. You may mean well by bringing those chocolate chip cookies but what if they have already made chocolate chip cookies? Or you show up with a dip that needs heating but they are actively cooking and you throw off their rhythm or schedule?
For many people, the reason they want to bring something is a feeling of obligation. Your host is going to all of this trouble so you feel you should reciprocate in some way. The best way to do this is to reciprocate with an invitation later. Have them over for dinner or to watch a movie and eat snacks. You do not have to have the same level of food or occasion that they do; just having them over is sufficient. So make that call or send that email and see what you can do to help. Accept their answer either way and when the time is right, feel free to have them over or take them out. One good time out deserves another.
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