Unsolicited Advice

Unsolicited advice can be one of the hardest things with which to deal. Sometimes it comes from a place where they are honestly trying to help. Sometimes it is just people telling you how much better they would have handled it.  Either way, you want to respond politely.   "Thank you for the advice" is one generic response you could use. It acknowledges their contribution without agreeing to anything.

"I appreciate it but I really feel it is important that I figure this out on my own." is another possible answer. It could be delivered with a small smile or a serious look.

If the unsolicited advice is the result of you looking for sympathetic ear, feel free to tell them something like, "I know you are trying to help but what I really need right now is just someone to listen."

The key is to be polite. Do not let their contribution start an argument even if they are being rude but especially if they mean well.

Where the advice is coming from is important to how you respond. If a stranger suddenly offers unwanted advice such as how to raise your child, feel free to just say, "Okay" and completely ignore them.  You do not have to engage with them. You do not have to listen to them and you certainly do not have to let them make you feel bad about your choices, your parenting or your life.

If it is someone close to you, such as family or some one you have to work with a lot, you may need to take a stand and let them know that you appreciate the advice (even if you don't) but you have the situation under control. In these cases, the ability to mentally tune them out is a valuable gift.

Try not to respond with hostility to unsolicited advice with such comments as "Who asked you?" or "What business is it of yours?"  I know it will probably feel good at the time but this blog is about being polite even in the face of impolite people. Do not let them drag you down.

You can always listen to the advice and then ignore them and do what you want anyways.

Don't Overstep The Boundaries Of An Introduction

Human beings like to connect. We want to feel close to other people. We want to be seen. Sometimes in our quest to connect with someone new, we overstep.

An introduction is not the time to share your entire life story. I'm not saying that you can not share details of your personal life or your personal history. I am saying do not overstep the bounds of etiquette by thrusting your life story on someone prematurely. Start with small talk and let the conversation develop.

I will give you an example that happened to me years ago. I do not remember this conversation word for word but this is the general content of it.

I was introduced to a woman at a party. I do not remember her name. I do remember how she answered my, "How do you do?" She replied, "Not bad now that my ex-husband is not trying to strangle me on an almost daily basis."  While I certainly felt bad for her that she came from an abusive relationship, mostly I was just horrified.

I did not know how to respond. What could I possibly say after that? The entire room lapsed into an awkward horrible silence for several minutes and then we mostly just all drifted into other rooms. No one knew what they should say or how to respond in any way that would be helpful or that did not sound callous and so we said nothing.

While this young woman had every right to be upset and in a quieter venue would, I am sure, have gotten the sympathy she wanted, in this setting all she did was make a lot of people uncomfortable and ruin the host's party. 

I hope that she had someone with which to share her experience. I hope she sought professional help or family or some close friends. I am not telling this story because I harbor any ill will towards her. However, such a statement at a party and at a first introduction, is one of the worst etiquette breaches. It made people very uncomfortable, helped her not at all and ruined the efforts of the hosts to make an enjoyable evening.

When introduced to someone new, you should always start by making small talk. I know some people consider it a waste of time but it is really a chance. It is a chance to get used to each other. A chance to spend some quiet time talking or sometimes just marking time.  It is also a chance to decide if you wish to continue into a deeper conversation or perhaps even a friendship.

We all have our problems. We all need help sometimes. Do not confuse a casual introduction with a chance to have everyone focused on you and never put anyone in such an uncomfortable position.

Respect Other People's Property

My sister is having a problem with a neighbor. The neighbor is having work done on their own property and instead of properly disposing of the trash, the neighbor is throwing it into the woods behind their house. Leaving aside that it is just a terrible thing to do to the environment, the woods behind their house also happen to be my sister's property.

I don't think anyone particularly thinks this is a nice or neighborly or polite thing to do. However, this neighbor may not be thinking about it at all.  She may very well be thinking, "Who cares if I throw some things into the woods? It's not like I am throwing it in their driveway. Besides, otherwise I would have to take it to the dump myself and that is such a pain."

It's true; it is a pain.  So is having to clean up after someone else or go next door and try to have a reasonable conversation about someone very unreasonably using your land as their own personal dump.

I find myself at least once a week out at the end of my driveway picking up cigarette butts. Neither I, nor my husband, nor any of our regular visitors, smoke. I have never seem the Marlboro light thrown there but I am fairly certain it belongs to the gentleman who regularly walks by my house walking his dog.  I imagine he does not feel like carrying a smelly cigarette home again so he tosses it where ever he is when he finishes it.  He does not feel like carrying it so instead I have to keep cleaning off the end of my driveway? If I ever see him do it, I will politely ask him to stop and hope he is either reasonable, or ashamed enough, to stop. 

If you have an inconsiderate neighbor, the first step is to politely, nicely ask them to stop. Do not act accusatory. Do not tell them how rude you think they are. Try to be polite. If things do escalate, at least you know that you tried to be polite and reasonable.  Always start as you would want to be treated; with a nicely worded request and a please. Even if you don't think they deserve it.

It's Not Polite To Correct People

We have all been in that situation where someone does something that is just plain rude. They don't say thank you or they chew with their mouths open. Maybe you sent them a present or made a donation to their cause and never got a thank you. It's aggravating.

Sadly, it is just as rude to call them on it.

You can ask someone nicely if they received that present or donation. You can not walk up to them and demand a thank you. You should never say "You're welcome" with sarcasm. You should never say "Excuse you" when someone cuts you off. 

It's tempting.  I succumbed to the temptation last week myself.  I was in a grocery store and an employee cut across from the register directly across my path as I was walking straight. She then stopped right in front of me and turned and said something to another employee. I had to stop short while holding bags of groceries. She just looked at me and continued on.  I admit it. I muttered "excuse you" after her.

That was rude of me. 

Yes she was being rude as well as inconsiderate and making her employers look bad to boot, but I still was rude as well.

Do not stoop. Do not become the rudeness.  It only spreads. I sincerely doubt I did anything to correct her behavior and only behaved badly myself.

Etiquette means behaving the correct way even if every one around you is being rude. Myself included.

Declining Is Not The Same As Being Rude

Some people think that saying no is rude. They think they have to accept every invitation; help with every event. That is just not true. Etiquette does not require you to give up all of your time and work yourself until you are sick just because someone asks you. It only says you need to be polite in your refusals.

If someone invites you to a party and you already have plans, you do not need to try to fit them both in. This usually just leads to a lot of running around and cutting visits short. It is perfectly fine to say, "We won't be able to make it. We already made plans."

If someone asks you to volunteer or make a donation, you can say, "I won't be able to help you with that but good luck." If you are the person doing the asking, you should accept it gracefully. No harassing people when you get an answer you do not like.

A few years ago there was a man in my town center who was trying to sign people up to be bone marrow donors. He was literally yelling at a perfectly polite declination.  Do you think the other people in the area were eager to sign up after he berated that person? I think they probably just tried to avoid him completely.  How did that help his cause?

Everyone has their own personal causes that speak to them. Maybe they already donate elsewhere or volunteer there. Do you think this man planned to help out with everyone else causes?  Even if the declination just came from selfishness, the correct response was politeness. Definitely a case where his rudeness did nothing to help his cause and may very well have harmed it.  He may have cost himself other donors because he was too busy yelling at that person. Plus it was just plain impolite.

Keep in mind as well that an invitation is offered on the hosts terms. That means if you are invited to dinner and you have plans elsewhere that mean you could make it but not until several hours later, you should decline. You should not send back that you will be there at 8. It could be a sit-down dinner and such a response puts your host in the awkward position of now feeling as though they have to serve dinner twice. Say simply that you will not be able to attend because the event starts at 6 and you won't be home until 8.  If the hosts wants, they can then extend an invitation to come at 8 or invite you on another day.

Basically, do not think saying no means you are being rude and in your quest not to be rude to the latest offer, do not be rude to the people with whom you already have plans. If you are moving people around or constantly cutting things short so you a fit everyone in, you are causing yourself unnecessary stress and probably causing hard feelings. Be polite and treat everyone as you would want to be treated regardless of which side of the invitation or request you are on.

Have You Changed Your Clocks?

Hello Daylight Savings Time. Back so soon?   

Time to spring forward that hour. Make sure you set all of your clocks forward.  Chances are your computer and your TV have already reset themselves. Do not forget to advance your mp3 player or your car radio;  your microwave, your stove, your land line, your wristwatch.

Leaving someone waiting because you did not remember to reset your clock is the height of poor etiquette.  Make sure you take care of all of your devices to avoid confusion for you and others.  You also don't want to be late for work. Well, maybe you do but why make it accidental, right?

So take a few minutes and just change everything now. If you are uncertain of the exact time, visit time.gov and it will show you the official US time for your time zone. If you need help updating your devices, feel free to ask someone to help you or use a search engine to find instructions for advancing the hour. There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need as long as you ask politely.

Darn! What Was Their Name Again?

Don't you just hate that feeling of running into someone and knowing absolutely that you should know their name but you just can't quite remember it?  I know I do. So what is the proper etiquette for blundering around someone's name?

There is nothing wrong with flat out saying, "I'm sorry. I have forgotten your name." It should, of course, be accompanied by a suitably apologetic look. If it is someone you only met once or twice, this will work fine.  If it is someone you have met several times,  you may want to go a step further and give them what details you do remember so as to minimize the feeling that they are completely forgettable. For instance, "I know we met at my aunt's bbq last summer."   Also feel free to stress that it is your fault by saying something like, "I have a terrible memory for names."

You can always attempt the subtle maneuver by introducing someone else. For instance, "Have you meet my husband, John?".  Then wait for them to respond such as, "Hi John. I'm Sally."   This could backfire as it is a commonly known trick. The other person may also wait for you to properly finish the introduction by saying, "John, this is Sally."   

Some people will be offended; some people will shrug it off. If you find you have offended someone, apologize sincerely. Make a note of their name and try to move the conversation along.

You may want to try to make an extra effort to remember the name. You can try memory tricks such as rhyming the name with something about them such as Sally from the Valley.  You can try repeating the name several times when you are first introduced. "Hello Sally. It is nice to meet you Sally." could start the conversation and "It was nice speaking with you Sally" could end it.  Your brain finds it easier to remember something 3 times. 

As always, if you make a mistake, feel free to say sorry and move on.