One of the standards of the social contract is giving your word. If you say you will do something or be some where, the only polite response is to keep your word.
If something unexpected happens, you call and let them know that you are delayed or unavoidably detained.
Otherwise, if you said you will be there for dinner at 7, then you should be there for dinner at 7.
If you said you would bake those cookies or get someone at the airport, then that is what you should do.
Keep your word. Never make a promise you do not intend to keep.
If you must break your word, you should offer apologies and if possible, an alternative.
You may think that being polite means you always have to agree to things even if you have no intention of following through. That politeness leads to broken promises. That is not accurate. This is where vagueness comes in. The appropriate polite response is to give a vague answer if you can not or will not commit to specifics.
"We should get together sometime" is not the same as "Let's do dinner on Tuesday." One is a polite response that leaves you open to check your schedule or keep your distance. The other is a specific commitment.
Make sure you are not creating hard feelings by making promises you have no intention of following through on. Be polite and be a person of your word. It is possible to be both.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Sunday, April 20, 2014
The Etiquette of Colds
It's tough being down with a cold or flu. It is hard to feel like being considerate of others when you are feeling under the weather. Unfortunately, being sick does comes with extra things to worry about in terms of how you interact with other people.
If you have a cold, make sure you wash your hands regularly--with soap--for at least 20 seconds. That is about the time it takes to sing a verse of a song. This is a good habit to get into anyways but it is especially true if you are trying to keep from passing germs around.
Avoid touching things in public areas where you may deposit your germs--such as door handles--as much as possible. This is especially true of food items. Do not go squeezing the peaches and leaving them for the next person to pick up.
If you have to sneeze or cough, use a tissue or handkerchief. If you do not have one handy or do not have enough notice, use the inside of your elbow to keep germs from spraying out into the air for others to breath.
Do not throw used tissues around. Especially do not leave them for other people to have to throw them away for you. If you do not have an immediately available trash receptacle, stick it in your purse or pocket until you do.
When you do sneeze, make sure you say, "Excuse me".
If possible, when you are sick, stay home to keep from spreading germs as much as possible. This also has the side benefit that people who rest up tend to get well quicker. Do not go anywhere that requires quiet such as a movie theater, if you know you are going to be having coughing fits.
If someone else is sick, say "Bless you" when they sneeze. You do not have to do this for every sneeze but rather for every set. So if they sneeze once and you say, "Bless you" and then sneeze again right away, you do not have to repeat yourself. If they sneeze again ten minutes later, say "Bless you" again.
I know you feel miserable but try your best to help stop spreading those nasty little germs around and to make sure you do not make everyone else miserable while you are.
If you have a cold, make sure you wash your hands regularly--with soap--for at least 20 seconds. That is about the time it takes to sing a verse of a song. This is a good habit to get into anyways but it is especially true if you are trying to keep from passing germs around.
Avoid touching things in public areas where you may deposit your germs--such as door handles--as much as possible. This is especially true of food items. Do not go squeezing the peaches and leaving them for the next person to pick up.
If you have to sneeze or cough, use a tissue or handkerchief. If you do not have one handy or do not have enough notice, use the inside of your elbow to keep germs from spraying out into the air for others to breath.
Do not throw used tissues around. Especially do not leave them for other people to have to throw them away for you. If you do not have an immediately available trash receptacle, stick it in your purse or pocket until you do.
When you do sneeze, make sure you say, "Excuse me".
If possible, when you are sick, stay home to keep from spreading germs as much as possible. This also has the side benefit that people who rest up tend to get well quicker. Do not go anywhere that requires quiet such as a movie theater, if you know you are going to be having coughing fits.
If someone else is sick, say "Bless you" when they sneeze. You do not have to do this for every sneeze but rather for every set. So if they sneeze once and you say, "Bless you" and then sneeze again right away, you do not have to repeat yourself. If they sneeze again ten minutes later, say "Bless you" again.
I know you feel miserable but try your best to help stop spreading those nasty little germs around and to make sure you do not make everyone else miserable while you are.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Unsolicited Advice
Unsolicited advice can be one of the hardest things with which to deal. Sometimes it comes from a place where they are honestly trying to help. Sometimes it is just people telling you how much better they would have handled it. Either way, you want to respond politely. "Thank you for the advice" is one generic response you could use. It acknowledges their contribution without agreeing to anything.
"I appreciate it but I really feel it is important that I figure this out on my own." is another possible answer. It could be delivered with a small smile or a serious look.
If the unsolicited advice is the result of you looking for sympathetic ear, feel free to tell them something like, "I know you are trying to help but what I really need right now is just someone to listen."
The key is to be polite. Do not let their contribution start an argument even if they are being rude but especially if they mean well.
Where the advice is coming from is important to how you respond. If a stranger suddenly offers unwanted advice such as how to raise your child, feel free to just say, "Okay" and completely ignore them. You do not have to engage with them. You do not have to listen to them and you certainly do not have to let them make you feel bad about your choices, your parenting or your life.
If it is someone close to you, such as family or some one you have to work with a lot, you may need to take a stand and let them know that you appreciate the advice (even if you don't) but you have the situation under control. In these cases, the ability to mentally tune them out is a valuable gift.
Try not to respond with hostility to unsolicited advice with such comments as "Who asked you?" or "What business is it of yours?" I know it will probably feel good at the time but this blog is about being polite even in the face of impolite people. Do not let them drag you down.
You can always listen to the advice and then ignore them and do what you want anyways.
"I appreciate it but I really feel it is important that I figure this out on my own." is another possible answer. It could be delivered with a small smile or a serious look.
If the unsolicited advice is the result of you looking for sympathetic ear, feel free to tell them something like, "I know you are trying to help but what I really need right now is just someone to listen."
The key is to be polite. Do not let their contribution start an argument even if they are being rude but especially if they mean well.
Where the advice is coming from is important to how you respond. If a stranger suddenly offers unwanted advice such as how to raise your child, feel free to just say, "Okay" and completely ignore them. You do not have to engage with them. You do not have to listen to them and you certainly do not have to let them make you feel bad about your choices, your parenting or your life.
If it is someone close to you, such as family or some one you have to work with a lot, you may need to take a stand and let them know that you appreciate the advice (even if you don't) but you have the situation under control. In these cases, the ability to mentally tune them out is a valuable gift.
Try not to respond with hostility to unsolicited advice with such comments as "Who asked you?" or "What business is it of yours?" I know it will probably feel good at the time but this blog is about being polite even in the face of impolite people. Do not let them drag you down.
You can always listen to the advice and then ignore them and do what you want anyways.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Don't Overstep The Boundaries Of An Introduction
Human beings like to connect. We want to feel close to other people. We want to be seen. Sometimes in our quest to connect with someone new, we overstep.
An introduction is not the time to share your entire life story. I'm not saying that you can not share details of your personal life or your personal history. I am saying do not overstep the bounds of etiquette by thrusting your life story on someone prematurely. Start with small talk and let the conversation develop.
I will give you an example that happened to me years ago. I do not remember this conversation word for word but this is the general content of it.
I was introduced to a woman at a party. I do not remember her name. I do remember how she answered my, "How do you do?" She replied, "Not bad now that my ex-husband is not trying to strangle me on an almost daily basis." While I certainly felt bad for her that she came from an abusive relationship, mostly I was just horrified.
I did not know how to respond. What could I possibly say after that? The entire room lapsed into an awkward horrible silence for several minutes and then we mostly just all drifted into other rooms. No one knew what they should say or how to respond in any way that would be helpful or that did not sound callous and so we said nothing.
While this young woman had every right to be upset and in a quieter venue would, I am sure, have gotten the sympathy she wanted, in this setting all she did was make a lot of people uncomfortable and ruin the host's party.
I hope that she had someone with which to share her experience. I hope she sought professional help or family or some close friends. I am not telling this story because I harbor any ill will towards her. However, such a statement at a party and at a first introduction, is one of the worst etiquette breaches. It made people very uncomfortable, helped her not at all and ruined the efforts of the hosts to make an enjoyable evening.
When introduced to someone new, you should always start by making small talk. I know some people consider it a waste of time but it is really a chance. It is a chance to get used to each other. A chance to spend some quiet time talking or sometimes just marking time. It is also a chance to decide if you wish to continue into a deeper conversation or perhaps even a friendship.
We all have our problems. We all need help sometimes. Do not confuse a casual introduction with a chance to have everyone focused on you and never put anyone in such an uncomfortable position.
An introduction is not the time to share your entire life story. I'm not saying that you can not share details of your personal life or your personal history. I am saying do not overstep the bounds of etiquette by thrusting your life story on someone prematurely. Start with small talk and let the conversation develop.
I will give you an example that happened to me years ago. I do not remember this conversation word for word but this is the general content of it.
I was introduced to a woman at a party. I do not remember her name. I do remember how she answered my, "How do you do?" She replied, "Not bad now that my ex-husband is not trying to strangle me on an almost daily basis." While I certainly felt bad for her that she came from an abusive relationship, mostly I was just horrified.
I did not know how to respond. What could I possibly say after that? The entire room lapsed into an awkward horrible silence for several minutes and then we mostly just all drifted into other rooms. No one knew what they should say or how to respond in any way that would be helpful or that did not sound callous and so we said nothing.
While this young woman had every right to be upset and in a quieter venue would, I am sure, have gotten the sympathy she wanted, in this setting all she did was make a lot of people uncomfortable and ruin the host's party.
I hope that she had someone with which to share her experience. I hope she sought professional help or family or some close friends. I am not telling this story because I harbor any ill will towards her. However, such a statement at a party and at a first introduction, is one of the worst etiquette breaches. It made people very uncomfortable, helped her not at all and ruined the efforts of the hosts to make an enjoyable evening.
When introduced to someone new, you should always start by making small talk. I know some people consider it a waste of time but it is really a chance. It is a chance to get used to each other. A chance to spend some quiet time talking or sometimes just marking time. It is also a chance to decide if you wish to continue into a deeper conversation or perhaps even a friendship.
We all have our problems. We all need help sometimes. Do not confuse a casual introduction with a chance to have everyone focused on you and never put anyone in such an uncomfortable position.
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